Sometimes in my life, I wonder why did things start to go right? They were going so downhill for most of my childhood and early adulthood. Then things start to change. You may say it is due to the medication. It is, but I don’t think it is all due to it.
I was given the same medication early on before it started to work, and it was not working. Sure, it may have been in a smaller dose, but the doctors know what they are doing and which dose works. I have thought that maybe there was another influence in my life, that made me respond to this same medication that was not helping before.
I have a couple of suspects. One is what I call “The Fall”. I think it was the earliest positive influence, and one of the more rarer among people. Read my previous post for more details on it.
Then the other one was the self-harm. I often think how my life changed after that. What I did not mention in my earlier post, is my life changed after the self-harm: I got more sicker after that. I was more bed ridden and started to not eat again.
Don’t know where this not-eating went, I don’t think it was solved with another hospitalization, maybe outpatient treatment.
I don’t recommend this self-harm to anyone. It is a life risking thing and there may be no way back to the previous life
The other one that I think was important was for a while more mysterious.
The Mysterious Particles
Probably after the self-harm event, my life was a mess. I am bed-ridden, just insane, a real nobody. Day after day I would think of crazy things. As I look back, I realize that I was getting information from somewhere. It was coming into my mind, and to some degree it still does today.
I was imagining these worm-like objects. They looked like cheese puffs, but dark and much smaller. I believed that they were the seeds of man (that humans started from them). They filled the universe and God ate them.
This wasn’t the only night that I thought about them. But one night, as I thought about them, I imagined them to be like the static in a television, the white snow. Back in those days, the tube televisions are all we had. And not tuned to a station they would show white snow or static.
I superimposed the white snow image upon these worm-like objects in my mind. I kept imagining them and static.
Suddenly out of now where, these worm-like objects came to life. I saw in darkness as they were vibrating in a frenzy and spilling out of somewhere into me. There were somewhere in space, but they were spilling into me.
I instinctively became scared. I don’t know why I am scared, but I am. What I now know today, is that these “worms” were very dangerous. If they reach me, they very likely would kill me. They didn’t have a mind, they looked like small dark cheese puffs, and they were just vibrating out of somewhere and spilling into me.
Then out of nowhere appeared a sheet of glass between me and them and I was protected. I breathed a sigh of relief and forgot about them and did not try to think about them.
As I have thought about that night, I realize, that even in my insanity, somebody was watching over me that night. Somebody was not sleeping on the job that night as they watched over the universe. I had opened a very dangerous can of worms and based on what I know today, without protection, the ending would have been very, very bad – and nobody would have known what happened.
Over the Years Analysis
As this event was more and more in my rearview mirror, I from time to time would come back to that night and try to understand, what were these mysterious worms?
I was thinking that they were the seeds of man. That man started from these worms and that they filled the universe.
Well, there is something that matches this. Science has a hypothesis called the String Theory. Simply it states that the very fundamental building block of the universe are these strings. There is nothing more smaller than strings. They exist inside of an atom and are way, way smaller than them.
Was I seeing these cheese puffs, small objects that were vibrating – were actually strings? They were near each other, like almost touching themselves, in nature, I believe they are far apart though.
So, but does this answer this theory I was making that they are the “seeds of man” and that God ate them.
Actually yes. If you believe in reincarnation, then there is an answer. Some people who believe in reincarnation, believe that humans, before they were human, lived like in a dog or a bird and such, before they gained the level to live as humans.
But what if you take this back? Back farther, were we insects, bacteria, atoms? One person, who knows about this, seemed to imply that if you go back the reincarnation path, the human started out living or being an atom.
Now this is me now. But what are atoms in their most primitive state? That is right, strings. So, if I was seeing string, the information that I was getting from somewhere, was leading me to believe that these were the seeds of man. And they very well are.
But what about this that God was eating them? Well, we all eat string, they are everywhere, including our food. God eating them, well maybe that is true. There are Gods, that have human forms and there is what I believe the creator God. The human form Gods may eat food. The creator God, I doubt it. The Bible states that there is a God of Gods, and my theory here then makes sense.
As I though over the years, was this experience, giving me luck to succeed in life? This was unusual, but I was not sure.
Again, quite recently my thoughts returned to this experience. As I lay in bed, somehow, I was able to summon these particles again. They flew around me and I kind of played with them.
I asked the “female worker” (read my bio for more info) what she thought of them. They are “strength” or “power” she said. What? These small things are power?
Another day as I was laying in bed, thinking on them, and playing with them, I saw them near me and later I looked back, they were gone, but now there was a cavity in the side of my head. Hmmm, are they eating anything they touch? They were gone.
Another time, after they were gone, I looked at my gold body and there were black dots. I knew they left them, but why?
One time I was upset at life and angry, and I threatened God that I would unleash these particles and let them eat me alive. I tried but was not able – they were being controlled this time. It appears whoever controls them is letting me safely play with them to some degree.
So, I thought, these particles eat anything they touch? This explains the fear that I had when I first discovered them that night and they were spilling into me. I did not realize that they would do this, but instinctively I knew.
The Discovery
Over the last five or even more years, I have been dealing with exhaustion. When I was working in Texas, during the day I would feel weak. Like my hands were falling down weak. I tried different things like drinking tons of coffee (I was getting a bad experience with caffeinated coffee). But what I discovered was that drinking decaf coffee with molasses, at least initially, helped me get some energy back.
Nevertheless, this was a problem. Not long afterwards, I was let go, due to reorganization and I came back to Rochester and found another job.
After a long day at work and a few hours staring at a screen at home, I have exhaustion. The exhaustion was coming from my gut.
I never found a good solution to this – but obviously lay in bed and recover.
Just recently I was dealing with times what I termed – I was “stalling” inside. I was collapsing inside. The solution would be to get off the computer or stop what I was doing (like reading a book) and take a rest.
January 18th was one of those days. I got into a new subject that was really interesting to me – mind blowing. And for the first time in years, I bought a book on Amazon. I generally don’t buy books and hardly read them. I like reading news articles online or other reading material on the computer.
But I was happy for myself, I had something entertaining to do (book was non-fiction, on a subject that I may get to in another post).
But after spending an hour reading this book, I had exhaustion, I call it “stalling” inside.
Just, a sidetrack, I have developed a diary that is a little bit different than the conventional diary. Throughout the day, I record what is going on and what I am thinking into my Pixel smartwatch. At the end of the day, I have the phone transcribe the audio into text and I store both the audio and text on the computer. I have been doing this since early January.
So, on Jan 20th, on 11:31 am I stated this:
“Um, Reading this book, the exo book. Yeah. Um, Very interesting. It’s very interesting. I got tired toward the end maybe because I didn’t even had enough food. So I then would lay down because I get the stall period, which is exhaustion. Had to lay down.
Maybe I eat more food, get more energy and continue reading the book, it’s not boring. I don’t follow the names probably as well, probably won’t remember the names, but I get the idea. Get the idea. Wow”
Here I am attributing the tiredness because I think that I did not eat enough. That was the best that I could come up with.
This was about an hour of reading. The subject was very interesting, but I was collapsing inside. I had to lay down.
Here is at 1:10 p.m.
“110 p.m. Read the book. Um, Um, Had lunch. Still kind of exhausted after laying down. I don’t know what is going on sometimes. just tank runs dry and just running on gas fumes they say. I have theories. Why this happens? I’m not going to go into it. Um, nevertheless maybe I am wrong. Um, Yeah, this is not feeling good.”
“I have been reading the book. I just do not have the energy to that. I really would like to be reading the book, but I can’t. Can’t can’t. I read in the Bible with much study comes weariness of the flesh. …
Much study comes weirdness of the flesh for me right now. If I were to work right now, this is unacceptable in a work environment. You cannot. Just lay down at work. Yeah. I reach a point where right, have a long recharge so to speak?”
My Audio Diary
Yeah, at work, you need to have the energy to read and work for eight hours. Here I was struggling with after a few hours at a subject that was very interesting to me.
Over the past month, I had changed my music listening from Christian to something more like instrumental. On Sirius XM I found this channel (53) that I liked called Chill. Not all of the songs were good, so I started to build my own personal library with the ones that I liked by buying the MP3s online.
So, as I was tired, I would lay in bed listening to this music.
At 4:26 pm, I stated this:
“Yeah. So, I was kind of exhausted. Um, laid down to bed. For a while. Listen to my music then I got the idea of like oh, this music was pretty good. But what if I just get more frequencies to listen to more frequencies and that occurred to me to get to get, a white nose app. So, I bought [for] a buck [I spent a dollar on the app] and again, just listening to this white noise, as I was reading the book, I was doing pretty good.”
My Audio Diary
It occurred to me that this music was helping me. It was instrumental, but it was using just a small portion of frequencies. What if I increased the frequencies to a lot. When you listed to all of the frequencies, this is called white noise.
I was like, well let me get a white noise app and listen to the white noise, it should help me even more. So, this is what I did and by 4:26 pm I was listening to the white noise and reading the book.
Things were going well, “I was doing pretty good”.
The 4:26 segment continues:
“I was getting by pretty good, um, So, maybe it was an hour. This was an hour yet, probably an hour that I read it. Um again, very interesting stuff. Fascinating stuff. So, Okay. Spent an hour. Now, I just take a break. I don’t want to get overdo it. I’m almost exhausted. But um, Let’s get some food to eat. And go back. Go back to this sometime later.”
My Audio Diary
At 7 PM I made this log:
“This may be a game changer. It is too early to tell. I’ve been reading this book for hours.
I don’t know, at least a few hours already I’m getting halfway through it. I’m not. I’m just sustaining myself. I’m not getting tired as I was getting earlier today. It’s too early to tell, but I’m going to figure out here. I ordered two more books online. On amazon. Books two and three.”
My Audio Diary
I was not getting tired as I expected. Knew something was very different here. I had ordered one book in a multi-book series. I had not expected to finish it so soon. But here I was about to get through it that night. I immediately ordered more, but they would take a few days to get to me, so I would be without reading material until them. Darn, why didn’t I order all of them as I first wanted to do that. But I was like, maybe I won’t like them, so start with just one.
“I’m just sustaining myself. I’m not getting tired as I was getting earlier today.”
This was 7pm, typically at the end of the day, is when I am most tired. Here I was buzzing through the book. So, what was the reason for this energy?
“753 pm. So what is it? What is, what I’m, what is the key? What is the center of this game changer? Static. That it’s static. Yes. Static. Random static. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Yeah. Yeah.
Profound.
I know where it started. I think I know where it started.
But never knew it. I never did it again. Here we are again today, static noise. White noise.
That’s it. That’s its white noise. Seems like, unless there’s a coincidence between this white noise and me just being able to do things. Um, definitely I was reading this book for a couple of hours and I was in a stalling scenario. I was exhausted. Here it’s like the energizer bunny, [I] just keep on going.
Static. It’s more to that, have to look more into more. “
As I was reading the book, I was playing the white noise in the background. Because of the white noise, I was not getting tired.
I mention that there may be a coincidence here. But the energy continued as soon as I got the white noise and continued through the evening.
“It’s more to that, have to look more into more.”
White noise is essentially random noise. This is the same noise that you hear when the radio is not tuned to a station.
However, my mind went to another experience, where there was randomness. The mysterious particles. Remember, that I activated them by thinking about static – the snow kind. This white snow is no longer visible on LCD TVs. But static is what is randomness in the visual domain just like white noise is in audio domain.
All of a sudden, I wanted to see the white snow static again. Maybe there would be more energy or unlock something else in my life.
Looking for CRT Television
I started to look for old CRT televisions. There were are few available on Craigslist. I was able to reach a person that had one. He said call tomorrow and I will let you know when he can let me see it.
In the meantime, I was looking for some good static video on YouTube.
This proved to be a little challenging. Modern video compression tends to blur fast changes. But eventually I was able to download a suitable piece.
As I looked at it, it seemed to help. Not as much as I thought. However, at some point, as I was watching these white dots randomly run across the screen, I started to see things inside of them.
I don’t know about you, but when I was hospitalized once after my first suicide attempt, when I was in high school, they put me through these psychological tests. In some, they have you look at some drawings and they ask you what pops out at you from them.
Here things were popping out. The static was not fine and had big particles. I was seeing men walking and doing other things. One scene looked like a battle scene with many horses. There were others.
So, I could not wait to get the CRT tube television.
I had decided that I would play this white noise through the night. Would carry the phone playing the white noise with me, anywhere I went.
I have kept that up. Thought about turning it off, to see if the symptoms returned, but I just could not take the chance that they would return, so I have not tried it.
Morning
I contacted the Craigslist guy, and he told me that he had one tube television. But then he responds that he checked, and he is getting white snow static on this television, but the white noise part is not working (the hiss). He says he has to look if he has another one that has this.
In the meantime, I decide that I will not wait and go to secondhand stores, looking for CRT televisions. I look at one, then another. No luck.
Doing more research on the road, there appears to be a tech store that may have it. It is across town, but I decide to go there without calling it.
Bad idea, I didn’t read further in Google Maps that it does not have walk-in option, it is by appointment only. Then when I go to the website it no longer works.
I start calling stores, pawn shops to see if they have any. None do.
As I am driving and thinking of these strings, it occurs to me that, these mysterious particles are anti-matter. Antimatter!
Antimatter particles are the exact opposite particles of matter. When the antimatter particle and matter particle touch, they explode, and both disappear while releasing a lot of energy.
This would explain why I thought that the strings would eat anything they touched. I never saw them touch things.
When they were gone and I saw the tunnel that they caused into me, it would have been them simply running into you and them and anything they touch just annihilates into nothingness.
Did my longings for annihilation sometimes have anything to do with them? These experiences are becoming rarer as I starting to enjoy my life more.
Was me playing this white noise, I was somehow receiving energy from this antimatter somehow?
Antimatter is one of the most powerful sources of energy. A quarter teaspoon of antimatter salt when dropped on the ground would create an explosion that is greater than the plutonium bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. That bomb had about 6000 grams of plutonium. Half-a-gram of antimatter has the same explosive power.
When all this started, I activated this antimatter by simply imagining random static. This is my main theory, that this is more than just listening to snow.
As far as I have found, is that people listen to white noise, to drown out undesirable other noises and help them fall asleep. For me, it just gives me energy or the ability to not get tired.
Program
Eventually I gave up trying to find the tube television. I decided to write my own program that would show static on a screen. If I had my own program, I could control a lot of the parameters, like the size of static, frame rate and just more sharper video.
But what about me being too sick to work. I was hoping that the white noise would be enough to keep me going.
That afternoon and mostly in the evening, I started to do a lot of research and testing of various example projects (the ones that draw on the screen).
I worked for around 6 pm to 10 pm. Was able to use a way that I was familiar with. I was able to generate static, but it was only drawing the screen at most 9 times a second, so you could see it change the screen. This was not good enough. I needed at least 30 frames per second.
This led me to other tools, ones that I am not familiar with. I have a pretty good chance of successfully creating static at high-frame rates. I am in my second day with this effort.
Work
It occurred to me that, if I can keep this up, then I may be able to return to work. I just would have to carry my phone around playing white noise or listen to it in ear buds.
I still have one symptom. And it is just the limit of the gut, it is not fully healed and that can show up as a symptom after some time. But I hope that it will heal soon, and there is evidence that that may be the case.
CRT Television
After some trial an error with static, I realized that only static videotapes from actual TVs works for me. One that is computer generated does not.
So, with this realization, I decided against making my own program – it wouldn’t be the same and went straight to buying a tube television.
I did so today and can confirm that, initially at least it has the same effect as the earlier TV video, that it clears up things for me.
Last night, after watching static video, I was in awe of the changes it did for me. Looking at my monitor after the video, it seemed like it was brand new, everything was sharp, smooth, and so clear. I was hoping that my eyesight would continue to improve with this. It doesn’t seem to last overnight. But the clearing experience was present again this morning after watching the same video.
I am hoping that it generates small incremental improvements that will be noticeable over time.
Have the TV running 24/7 static and the white noise.
Have not felt the collapsing exhaustion that I felt before. The only problem now is that sometimes, I just don’t have the desire to do anything, but usually have the energy. Reading the new book is one of those things that I can do when I have nothing else to do.
Also, there is natural white noise, like a radio tuned to no station and white noise that is artificial, like from an app. I find that app white noise works, but sometimes I get weird ear “wear out” effects. This I do not notice from natural white noise, so this is what I am planning to stick to.
Latest Updates
Late February
Its been a month since I have gotten the CRT television. I have had it on continually until just recently. I had set up a system where a webcam was streaming the CRT television to my monitor. The static on my monitor would be half-transparent over the screen. So you could see it continually while working on tasks. I am using a windows application called WindowTop to do this.
This seemed to work fine. However, recently I felt that the television was wearing out by being on 24/7. So I turned it off and now just have a recording playing on my LCD (from the television) that is half-transparent. It is on always when I am using the computer.
I can still say that working on my computer and half-seeing static, is that it still gives me the magic vision after I look at something else. I think it helps me not get as tired either, so I will keep it. This is the first major paranormal thing for me, around this time, and I definitely want it to keep going.
Work
I have been planning to start looking for work around summertime. Just barely started browsing some job listing website. I was looking through work in my specialty (embedded software engineer) and I was not finding good matches. So, I stopped. However, the website kept sending me suggestions. Just a few days ago, it sent me a really good one. I just couldn’t wait on this one. So I applied.
It has been one business day since I applied to this company that is local to me. They have not responded, which is normal for this small timeframe.
Any job that I get I plan to have white noise with headphones and the static on the computer screen. I plan to do this and other minor things to help improve my ability to work.
Things are improving, it seems that it is a little faster than what was happening a year ago.
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