I have been taking a serious mental drug for about two decades. It gave me a degree and a career. I have tried to stop taking it over that time but was not successful as I got serious mental repercussions. I think this is the time to try to stop taking it again, and I have a plan. Maybe this time I will be successful.
How This Started
If you have read the previous posts, you heard me struggle with my mental illness. There have been improvements along the way, but it seems it was never enough. I still struggle with hard times when I am weak, times when I am bored and have nothing to do as I can’t do or think of something that would be fun.
My birthday was recently, and I had a quick chat with my brother. No, I was not having a good time when he congratulated me with the “over the hump” period in my life. “It’s never too late to change things if it is not going as planned” he texted. Didn’t know what more I could do.
I subscribe to less than a dozen YouTube channels. Got a YouTube notification from one person that I follow who made a 15 min video on getting off alcohol and drugs. I have recently stopped watching the news videos this person makes (they are out of this world – literally) because it was no longer much fun. I decided to watch this one video and as she was talking, I checked of the things – I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t take addictive drugs – but then she seemed to continue to prescriptions ones. Hmm I thought… Immediately I asked my spiritual friends. First the ones that are working on me with massages – they encouraged me to come off the only and hard drug that I am on. At least one God was supportive of this too.
So, I started to make a plan to come off this drug. I was asking them how fast I should come off it. Cold turkey, 1 week, 1 month or more. It seems like a one month taper off is what I am going with.
Benefits
Here are the benefits of being able to be off this drug.
Olanzapine (an antipsychotic) is a pretty strong drug. Downside with it is the weight gain. I believe that I was normal weight (maybe 180 lbs.) when I started taking it and went to 250 lbs. in a short amount of time. If I am successful in coming off this drug for good, I expect the weight to drop to at least 215 lbs. and probably less. Less weight, less risk for diabetes and other bad things with being obese.
The other thing is why people don’t stay on this drug. It is a sedative. Life is not as fun and lively. You feel like you are living in a desert. I expect the boredom to go away and be more engaged with life and have less downtime.
What I have found in previous attempts is that I get blown away – get lost in my world. Big thing is that I may sleep less through the night – like 4 hours or less as this drug is a sleep inducer – even through the day.
Getting lost in my world is a biggie – it is easy to get overwhelmed and fall into the deep ocean and get withdrawn. This is a risk, and I am not sure how bad it will get.
Last time I tried to come off it, it was cold turkey and for a weak or so. Toward the end, as I was sitting at my desk, I started to see pictures of strangers one after another. For no apparent reason just started crying really hard.
The usual thoughts that I have had over the years started to come back – that I think now are delusions.
Best way to explain it as is – imagine living in solitary confinement. That is how life feels often. As I come off this drug – I step out of the cell and into a wild – wild world. Turbulent storms come, tsunamis, I get caught up in trying to save myself. I start to get information from the ether. I get lost in my world.
This I hope to get under control this time. I hope that with previous life developments, not going cold turkey, I hope to survive and have some sort of a life on the other side. If I can stay off the drug at least 3 months – odds go up. If six months and I have some sort of a manageable life, then odds are pretty good that I can stay off of it and at the level that I will be at.
Reason
My previous post, on surviving a work project, I close with the lesson that we need guidance sometimes in our lives if we are to make it. It may come from God directly or it may come from God through other people.
God has tried to get me off this drug about two years ago. I listened and started going off cold turkey. After a week, things started to change. The reason I went back on, is because I was asking God and other beings if I could come off it without coming back on. It seemed I was not getting an affirmative at that time – so I decide to go back on.
I believe that I am being called to come off the drug again this time. Now I am listening and will try to fully attempt it again. I really hope that I will be successful.
I expect that soon – as many of the preppers, a scenario where food will be in short supply. If food is in short supply, medicine may be also or even more so. Then that means it is better to be off the drug sooner and be stable when that time comes – at whatever level.
I really look forward a month or two ahead. Finally free from the straight jacket and connecting with the world again. It is a life that I have not known fully in a long time. Wow, it is like going from living at 10% to 100%. But that is my expectation. Time will tell how it will all turn out.
I plan to make updates to this post as time goes on and explain how things are going. The first meaningful time probably may be in two weeks. Then maybe every one or two weeks.
12/12/2023 – I will be going cold-turkey. Dec 8th – no med. Dec 9th med. Dec 10th – no med and no more meds intended to be taken…
Dec 9 was a little unexpected. I started to have concentration issues – getting lost in my thinking – was really focused on something that seemed important. This is what happened one of the last times when I went 6 months on a weak generic.
Today that was gone. Things are well again. Went shopping and had just a very unusually good experience. Like being at a beach, felt a lot of femininity. The connection thing must be improving. Was trying to make myself not look at women too much.
Seeing things is starting to come back and it is pretty awesome. Ever since the surrender, the people that I am seeing are noticing me – before it was like watching TV.
Noticing that the bridges that were made with the medication are disappearing – unsettling. But there are other things that are improving.
End of day: Went through a day that I started feeling my heart more. Anxiety with heart in reading the news on the computer so took breaks and felt for the first time ever easing of the anxiety in the heart – it felt the opposite of anxiety. Heart is becoming more open it seems in me today.
Later in the evening, just was going through periods of just like I was high on something, just feeling hilarious inside – kind of playing crazy to some extent – but in a good way.
“The workers” are triggering woman orgasms (through me being in a female avatar) inside more and more – something that has been on the decline for a long time.
Had a great experience browsing YouTube – found a gem…
Maybe too early to say – but feeling better without the drug so far. To know for sure will take at least a month though – speaking from past experience.
12/14/2023 – I guess the theme of this day has been about surrender.
This morning I was really late doing my routine. I was in bed for that time. It seems that the couple of times that I tried to get up, it was not successful. I felt I was being prevented. So, I just laid there as the workers were working on me. “I got to go do this and this soon” I kept telling myself, “When will I be able to do it”. As the time passed by, suddenly I felt it. They were working on the “grave wound” in the stomach region that I talked about in my bio. Later on, I saw-felt that they were making great progress there – very unusual. This is very valuable I realized. Then I felt, I better lay down until they make more progress because I might not make it through the day otherwise. Finally, I was able to get up and went about my routine.
Today, more than yesterday, was not so lively. I feel that I am shrinking. My recall is worse than before. Thoughts that I think are quickly forgotten. Thinking power is less. I really feel that, mentally, I am in a small box.
I decided to take a late day walk, down my street, as usual, for 1 hour. As I was walking, I started thinking something that I saw, in another week, about 2-3 weeks ago. In that vision, I saw an air vent. Now this was no ordinary air vent. This was one is in my hallway, next to my bedroom. Then in that vision, a while back, I saw a hazard sign next to it. This was clear that, and on that walk, I started to worry that some group had placed some sort of toxin there.
I felt helpless. There was nothing that I could do about this. I felt that I was pushed into a corner and really had to suffer harm. So, the only thing that I could do was pray, and I said a prayer about this.
Got me thinking. I know far less consequential people that are seemingly more targeted. As I walked, I was feeling so helpless. What if some enemy, or some misinformed high person just wants to hurt you – or kill you. Game over. I thought to myself, I really can’t do anything about it. I can’t take on the world.
I felt like I was some small piece, being shuffled around, like in a factory. Totally out of my control.
On the return direction, it occurred to me that, this helplessness, something that I did not feel before, could be the result of the surrender that I made.
At night, as I was letting the dogs in the backyard. It occurred to me that Samson got into a relationship with a girlfriend that was a Palestinian – an enemy group of Israel. She made him reveal his secret and he was taken captive and had his eyes gouged out and served as a slave and mocked by the Palestinians. He died effectively by suicide (though I believe a justified one – since they gouged out his eyes). I was called a Samson by a preacher during a sermon (again in my bio). Was this my fate? I don’t want to die by suicide – such a sad ending. No, I was not contemplating this, not in the slightest.
Then I went on thinking, there was another character in the Bible, that surrendered to his enemies. Christ. He had the power to resist, but he surrendered. He went through terrible suffering. I think that scenario fits me better.
Listen, Christ could have come out of the surrender at any time. I don’t think that I can. But it is for the best. I don’t regret it, because I later saw what was waiting me and my soul group without it. (Couple of posts back).
As I write this, I am experiencing a mild headache. I have felt it on the drug before, usually if I think too much. It is appalling, but the best way to describe how I am thinking, it is as if my thinking has gone from a full vision, to tunnel vision.
During the day walk, I was thinking what to expect. It occurred to me that when starting to take Zyprexa, day or two afterwards it makes no difference. Week, two weeks – no difference. Seemingly, something like on the third week, suddenly a light goes on in your head and you feel, warm, happy and well. I think coming off it is similar. Maybe 3-4 weeks the light goes off and it is very dark. One time when I completely went off it, I was fine for several weeks. Went to the manufacturing shop for work. Things were going okay. One day the shop president came around and mentioned that I was losing weight. (I am not, just yet)
Couple of days before this, I started to have abnormalities in my work – the way that I handled it was not customary of me. Then I just couldn’t handle the situation and went to my good boss and just said that I am quitting, and he let me go.
Went home and stopped going to class and laid in my bed. My parents had me taken to the hospital. When they put me on the same meds again, and I started talking, the psychiatrist said that “When you came here you were very sick”. No joke, I must have been the worst case in the ward – by far. Later, I would write down that I visited an unreal and scary world.
I am not trying to make you scared.
Just for reference. Here’s the thing. About two years ago, I did the same thing. Cold turkey stop. About a week into it I was feeling serious mental changes. Later on, it felt like wipeout – world expanding and getting lost in it. It was very noticeable. Like I mentioned, I started to see things and at one point just started sobbing for no apparent reason.
Let me say that this time, I am starting to see things again. Last night as I was in bed, in darkness, and with my eyes closed, I started to see some things ( hard to recall what it was) like patterns – images. I couldn’t tell what it was, and it was not important to me. Later I recall seeing things that were meaningful or gave me a good reaction – I think a person’s face or such.
But here’s the thing, unless I am mistaken on the last attempt being only one week, this one is almost as long, and it is pretty tame.
The key part is going to be on New Year and the first week. That is when the month period ends, and I expect the sharp drop off to occur. The medication will stop regulating and I will be on my own bio reactions from that point on.
I hope that I will go through the Christmas get togethers okay – we’ll see.
12/15/2023 – Started to talk to myself a lot. Seems before I could think in my mind – or even talk to myself in my mind – but that is not happening. I no longer have the mind room. So, I can still recall stuff, but find myself talking to myself – out loud – making points and conclusions.
It also seems that I talk to myself, have a good time – very spirited – and then sometime later – it is completely gone. Zero recollection. Sure, if I took the time and energy I can get some of it back – but it takes hard work.
See, I am noticing something here, being off the drug and doing hard work is maybe what I need to do. Being on the drug may have been easy, but now I am left with hard weights to lift – to regrow my brain to get where most people are already.
It is stunning how the conversations that I had with myself along the walk this morning, the stuff that I found fun and funny – are almost completely gone.
I have heavy weights to lift it seems. They seem to be like huge boulders though. I may need some help – but definitely not another drug.
Funny, as I was walking, I was experiencing shoulder soreness and even pain. I never experienced this before. I realized that I was holding up my shoulders and they were being sore. It came and went – thank God, I wanted to enjoy the walk.
Now I realize it is some weight – the boulders or such, that is depressing me – funny the term depression comes up – in a physical way and my shoulders are experiencing muscle pain from the “spiritual” weight.
But I was having a great time on the walk. Like I said, I had fun thoughts – great analysis. I don’t recall having such lively and fun thoughts on previous walks on the drug. But they are gone easily and are hard to unearth back to recall all what you were thinking about quickly and easily. Yes, I get some occasional easy recalls though – snapshots.
It seems the best experiences that I have had in general, on and off the drug – have been outside.
2pm – Serious developments. Something that I did not expect but should have.
This morning I was not hungry, so I skipped breakfast. This has happened once or twice in the past few days. I expected the hunger to happen by lunch. I had a long walk in the morning – surely, I would feel hungry.
Come lunch, I told myself, heck this is easy, let me take the hard way – skip lunch. This may help me feel better.
I just now recall people recommending fasting to feel better.
Even at 2pm I really don’t feel hunger. I feel something in my stomach – mild hard to describe – and the reason it is there, I believe it is medicine induced eat signal. It is not hunger.
I remember the first time I fasted – and sustainably was when I was young – maybe high school – life was great at that time. I was young – seemingly no problems and this is when the problems started.
As I mentioned in my bio, I heard an advertisement on the radio – something “Want to figure out why the weather patterns are getting worse – come to this presentation at this time”. It was something about weather or world events – I am not sure what the advertisement was on exactly. But I chose to come there. I drove my bicycle there, to Monroe Community College, at night. It was in a big auditorium and there were many people like me that come from the advertisement.
The speaker started to show a slide show and presenting. Night after night this would go on. People would come to listen.
As this progressed, I remember I started to fast. I would fast before coming to the presentation. I don’t recall why I did this. There may have been no logical reason.
I remember breaking the fast during his presentation eating some peanuts. I was really hungry.
Something was going on with this setup.
The presentations ended at the Monroe Community College, and they moved to a new location. I was befriended by a person, and he was giving me rides. At this new location, I am helping him outside, and we go to setup a sign in front of the building. I realize the sign says that this is a Seventh-Day Adventist church.
They start teaching me that Saturday is meant to be work free. I start following this. This causes problems with my father. I start taking books from the central library on Ellen G White – their revered prophetess and reading them a lot.
I don’t work on Saturday. I believe I came across a piece of paper where the pastor wrote for me to have me excused from taking the SAT – on a Saturday – if I recall SAT tests were only given on Saturdays. I am not sure how I got that note from the pastor.
One day, I am reading Ellen G Whites book and I start hyperventilating. I think I am possessed and when my father comes home – I ask him to pray for me. It doesn’t help and he calls the ambulance. The ambulance takes me to the hospital, and they keep me there for some time, maybe not overnight.
This was my first mental visit to a hospital. Things would get worse from there. Suicide attempts – drugs would not help and I did not want them.
Finished high school – but missed the graduation ceremony – had no idea there was a graduation rehearsal.
Went to a university, seemed to be getting by – but was not concentrating in class and was not doing well. I was really spacing out. Toward the beginning of the second semester, I started to skip eating – and just decided to drop out.
Came home back to my parents, and eventually started to be bedridden. Was hearing clicks in the walls – an audible sound that others could hear off and on, even now. As I was bedridden, I thought that there was a man and a woman in the attic moving around and making clicks. Were they there to kill me?
I stopped eating – for extended period – so my parents called the ambulance. Was taken to the hospital and was not eating there so they decided to send me to a long-term psychiatric facility. Not eating there, so they decide to perform ECT – brain shocks. For some reason they went to a judge to allow them to do this. They got the order.
Back to the hospital and round after round of going to a room, doctor, anesthesiologist and I am put to sleep. It was always the same, oxygen given, I feel like I am suffocating and I wake up drowsy, in a bed, in another place. This must have recurred for 4- 8 times – not sure on this.
Eventually, with Zyprexa I start eating. I have a brief snapshot of memory. A familiar doctor and I complain to him that I believe drinking Ensure is giving me gas. “So don’t drink it” was his response. They send me home.
Things are going stable at home – just homebound. Until I succeed in damaging my testicles – something that I was convinced doing would help me.
Bedridden again – not eating returns and hell for my parents.
You get the pattern – not eating is very recurrent in my life.
I recall at the long-term psychiatric facility in Rochester, sitting at my psychiatrist’s office and he is asking me a question. My mother may have been in the room.
“Do you remember some big bad incident in your life?” I don’t remember it word for word, but I believe there is a teaching that if you find out some triggering event that caused the mental illness – talking about it may help to treat it.
I mentioned something – truly horrible that happened – but it was not the root cause.
It seems the root cause started with that Seventh-Day Adventist preacher at the community college – because that is when I mysteriously started to fast. After that things got worse and worse, and the fasting would reoccur throughout my life.
Something happened with that preacher and what he was teaching.
As I write about this, I think I have a pretty good idea. I went through a couple ideas, but I have settled on that there was a possession that happened. Some demon – astral spiritual being – entered my being and has been affecting me since.
It seems that it was well known around Christ’s time this:
Luke 7:33 For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine; and ye say, He hath a devil.
It seems I need a good old exorcism.
9 pm: As I wrote the last part down, I was facing a crisis. I refused to eat because I was not hungry – no appetite. I reasoned that if I ate it would further disturb me – my body did not want to eat.
When I skipped lunch, my parents became concerned and I finally told them that I was not taking the med. It started to get out of hand and fearing that they might eventually call the cops on me, I decided that I was moving out.
Calling the cops would highly risk me going to the hospital. There it was inevitable that I was going back on meds. A downhill slope and I did not want to repeat another decade again on the meds. It would be a dead end.
They would not listen that you have no appetite. On the meds you go and force feed if we must.
I could not get out to rent soon enough. It might take days; weeks and I was not prepared to deal with it all.
Leave the house in your car in this scenario is a good way to get your picture in the local news – maybe national. Splashed with “having a mental crisis”.
I realized I was facing an impasse – a serious one and time was running out. My parents were already reacting with emergency, and it was only a matter of time until they picked up the phone.
As I continued to sit at my desk, I realized I was struggling with a demon. It struck me this was no ordinary demon.
You see, Christ cast out demons. Then he taught his disciples to cast them out too. They were able to. Until they ran into one that they could not cast out. So, they called for Christ and he takes a look and says: “And he said to them, this king comes forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting.” This was the hardest. The one that I had, induced fasting. Yikes, how do you get rid of that.
I recalled a book a Christian wrote on Lucifer’s kingdom. At the top were the fallen warriors. They were the strongest. Then on the second level were, I believe, beings that were able to possess and create seizures. I believe these are the ones that come out with “nothing but by prayer and fasting”.
Wait, but where are the demons that create fasting, shouldn’t they be above them? They were not mentioned in this hierarchy. How do they come out though?
I was facing a challenging situation. Nobody was going to help me. I thought even if Christ was roaming the Earth today, it would be unlikely he would choose to come my way.
So, it would be best if I took the matters into my own hands. This was not the first time, I faced a challenging, scary, spiritual situation and turned to inside myself to find the answer. In retrospect, I now recall Thao (check the post on Israel) stating that you basically have to turn to inside yourself to find the answers. If you expect others to come and help you, you will be disappointed.
So, I started talking to myself and God. I never really prayed. Trying to convince the demon to leave me. I have poor recall, so this won’t be long.
“What is the reason that you are here?” No answer. “Why did you come into me?”
“What is your name?” Jesus did this at least once on the demons that he encountered.
“Oh, so you have no name.” I then will assign you a name. I felt some progress with this. Let me think, “Bart”. No, not a good name.
“What is his name?”
“Bil”, God answered. This came in Ukrainian. The name was the same as the word pain.
After some more talking and reasoning, I remember hearing “I am Bil” coming from in front of me and to the left. It was coming from what looked like dark, cancerous, large blob.
That was the only time it spoke.
I had drunk a little bit off decaf coffee in the morning. It was well after two and I was not hungry, not tired. I had walked six miles in the morning walk. Sure, I felt some stomach signal during lunch time, but this was definitely not hunger – but the residual medication acting on the stomach and creating a signal. I thought to myself, hmm, maybe I need life a little harder, let me fast this and see if things improve.
I really felt clearing in my gums as I decided this, so I felt I was on the right track.
The stomach signal feeling then completely disappeared and would not come back.
As I was sitting, after the reasoning and calls and persuasions for this demon, what I felt was an astral being, to leave me, was largely unsuccessful.
I was feeling, like the workers clearing me. It occasionally felt like they were pulling out dark tentacles from me. Here and there the was some progress. At least once I saw, a sack, looked like a leather one, holding something coming out of me. Did they trap a demon in it and were pulling it out.
I felt this was not the only demon that was in me. Even if I was able to have it come out, and got the other ones out, how would I be able to prevent new ones from coming into me.
I would need protection.
It was around 5 pm, I was working on myself since at least 2pm. I still had no appetite. How long would this take? Maybe deep into the night?
Was he waiting for sundown? It may have been. I was keeping a window partially open, remembering that this was a good idea in other exorcism stories.
Every once in a while, I would get a good result. It seems the final one was this.
“Listen, I have a body. It lives on food. Yes, you can influence that it temporarily runs without it. But this is not good. In this world, this is unacceptable.”
I got an encouraging report from God with this. Was this the end?
It came slowly. First, I believe I for some reason, saw a golden light at the perimeter of my vision. This was something that was not there for at least a while.
Then a thought occurred to me. “Why don’t I just stuff myself with food, parents stop worrying, I can continue off the meds and I have a way to pass through this situation.”
“Why didn’t this option occur to me earlier?”
I continued sitting. Suddenly, I felt some developments in my stomach. I heard it to start to growl.
I felt that I would be able to eat.
Just in time, my mother was making some rice. God, exactly what I needed. It is rare we have rice, so what a coincidence. It felt like it was the perfect way to come off this fast.
I agreed to eat, and my parents must have felt relieved.
My mother makes the dinner, and asks, “Could you come help me outside with something”.
She brings in some sautéed vegetables. “Do you have the rice done?”
“Yes, it is in the other kitchen (we have two). You can bring it here; can you help me something outside.”
“Let me first eat dinner, then I will go outside and help you with the chickens.” I spoke. I was feeling week and eating something was really important before the task.
We all eat, have a great discussion. I go to help her with the chickens outside.
Come back and I have to give the dogs food and let them out. About a half an hour ordeal. Except, it is too much. With my coat on I collapse into my bed.
The voices are telling me “You need to eat more.”
I feel too weak, exhausted, I have no energy to go eat again in the kitchen. “Let me lay here and let the food already eaten start working.” I just lay and wait and wait until I get some strength in my body.
There is no way I will get up. Maybe in an hour, I feel stronger. Not completely. But I feel the food I ate has run out, and I am not going to get stronger, so I go to the kitchen and have more to eat.
I think I lay back down, until I feel stronger still. Then, sit in the kitchen waiting. I need to accumulate more energy.
I am encouraged to write this down as I sit in the kitchen, I think by the massagers. But I feel I must finish with the dogs and the cats first and then I will do it. I don’t want that hanging over me as I write this.
That was done eventually, and I started to write this.
You know I was worried it might not have been a demon leaving me. But, when I drastically lost energy and collapsed, I felt that this is exactly what happened. A voice encouraged me “It left you forever.”
12/16/2023 – 8 am – Woke up this morning naturally at 6 am. Sat in my desk chair and thought.
I was feeling nauseous, nothing that is unusual – for recently. It comes from time to time even in the best of times. Except, at one point I felt like I was on the brink of vomiting. A thought occurred, that I probably need to go to the bathroom. But then I realized, that was unnecessary, since I have not drunk or eaten anything since I got up.
The massagers were pointing in a direction. Oh, I think they want me to start writing. I had some thoughts, but physically that was not ideal.
Later, I realized they were also pointing in the direction of yesterday’s coffee. Yeah, that might be a good thing to start drinking (I only drink decaf) to not get into the yesterday’s scenario where in ballooned into a big fast.
We have oatmeal for breakfast, every morning. I used to eat it with milk, but for one reason or another just decided to stop drinking it, somewhat recently. My body really craves milk, but I decided to come off it.
Then it would become unmanageable, so I would go back on it. Eventually the last time, I stopped it and had a physical condition that was diagnosed as a hemorrhoid on a doctor’s call. Nothing serious, I still have the same symptoms occasionally. But it is due to constipation, which milk is good at causing. Already just recently having stopped drinking milk, this new diagnoses reinforced my decision to keep off of it.
Steel cut oats with chicken stock, really did not look appetizing – but that is my best milk replacement. Second best, coconut milk, not so good. It seems fatty foods cause the nausea to come.
Okay, I thought as I held the bowl with the soup in it. This is not the first morning that I was not getting an appetite for it.
“Hmmm, I got to start eating something”, yesterday was a horrible ordeal and it all started with making small decisions to not eat.
“Hmmm, is there something in the fridge that would be more appetizing?” I found a hard-boiled egg and decided that I was going to eat it. Still, this was mostly forcing it down, and even before I ate it, I felt a little bit of nausea.
“Could this be a medical condition? Could I have stomach cancer?” I was worried about this when I made the doctor’s call due to rectal bleeding. It turned out it was a hemorrhoid, and I do get mild rectal pain occasionally. I was sure it was hemorrhoid, because I remembered from time to time, I would get this intensive rectal pain on the toilet, occasionally, that I did not understand why. It would pass and everything would be okay for a long time. Never occurred to me to talk to a doctor about it.
“It is unlikely, though”, I thought. I have been experiencing lack of appetite for decades, so if cancer, it would have killed me by now.
“Should I call the doctor about the nausea and this lack of appetite?” I thought?
I felt it was a risk that I would leave empty handed – they would not find anything. Worse they could prescribe a new medication that would create more problems.
As I was thinking about this and earlier, I saw through my stomach. Inside was a big black blob. It looked like 8 inches in diameter. “Hmm, I think this is a demon.” It is black, and likely unclean, and toxic. This would explain the nausea and the vomiting.
I talked to it, telling it to leave, but it was unresponsive. I could not see it anymore after that, since that snapshot disappeared.
One noticeable thing this morning, is that I felt weak. Very different from previous days, especially yesterday, going walking and not eating to dinner, and slightly before dinner, I was not feeling weak at all. I was not hungry, and I had the energy. Strange. And then eating and the collapse.
I feel the sensation of weakness, is important. Even if I don’t have hunger, it is a symptom that is helping me to look favorably on eating.
So, I ate the egg, finished the bowl of oatmeal and here I am. I don’t think I am strong enough for a walk. For some reason, I also feel soft and vulnerable on the outside, and that is making me not take a walk.
But I just got a glimpse of a favorite place in a park that I walk at. Having nothing to do this morning, I think I will try to go there again – like yesterday. Even with the weakness, I expect the only limiting factor will be bladder size – I have not thought about limiting liquids this morning – although there was not much – so I may be able to make the six mile walk again. God, I want to get there again.
There are calls that we need to go shopping, so I may have to do that. God, I don’t want to go shopping, going walking is infinitely better.
2 pm – Had a great walk – a crisis that I did not expect came across – that I plan to put together in a next post – today.
Came back from the walk, let the dogs out and lunch was being made. I realized that I had no appetite again. Six mile walk, force drank a gulp of coffee and again no appetite.
As similar, I feel really clear, no hunger, no tireness and I am heading into a problem again.
What do I do? As I am letting out the dogs, I start thinking back to when this started. The nights in MCC auditorium and the traveling SDA preacher/pastor.
So, I was breaking the fast with peanuts. Hmmm, maybe this is what I need to take.
So, I go to the fridge, get peanut butter and effortlessly take it. No problem, no forcing. I expect naseua to set in but it does not.
Gets me thinking. A voice seems to say that I was cursed. But this does not feel like a curse. It feels like a majic spell. The clarity is what makes me think that it is this.
So what do I know about majic spells. There is only one good story that I know. In Melchizedek‘s Flower Of Life book, Thoth recounts a story. This will me vague and from memory.
In Egypt, way back, maybe tens of thousands of years or so, some ET came that had a cone shaped head. He was immortal – he lived forever. This ET, I am not sure on this, maybe he was born in ancient Egypt or just visited – but some of his mortal contemporaries felt he was too much for them. He was too powerful and they wanted him dead. But since he was immortal they couldn’t kill him.
So, some women, I think witches, came up with a great plan to “kill”. They put on him a magic spell, stating that he was to be in a state of deadness. They put him in a sarcophagus.
12/17/2023 – I will be initially recalling what happened yesterday. Not a good idea to wait that long to write things down.
He stays there asleep for some thousands of years, until the seal on the sarcophagus snaps. This breaks the spell, and he wakes up and gets out and leaves.
I believed that I had a magic spell that prevented me from eating. So how do I break this magic spell? I don’t remember what exactly what I did to break it. But I felt that it was beginning to unravel.
I was able to eat the lunch.
Next came me trying to find out who put the magic spell on me. So I started mentally talking to this witch.
The fasting started during a chain of nights that he was presenting. I don’t recall talking to anyone.
As I am trying to make contact with this witch, I feel something inserted into my brain. I am worried that she is trying to hurt me. Talking, produces no responses.
However, I am starting to see that the object in the brain is starting to look like and angel cake pan underneath my brain. I don’t like this and suddenly the pan is dented. It moves up and later I see black air move underneath it.
Seeing black air, takes me to another event in my life.
I am in Texas at the Russian Christian church and this must have been Thanksgiving. We have a service and have a traveling preacher leading it. I am really having a hard time and he has an altar call. He is making it seem as coming up for the altar call will fix people’s problems. I am skeptical but do it anyway. It is a little bit emberessing to do it. It doesn’t seem to help and he knows it.
The service wraps up and everybody goes to eat in another section of the church. I am having a crisis and decide to remain sitting in the pew alone.
The youth leader comes and sits next to me and starts asking me what the problem is. I say I want a confession to two people.
A pastor from a next closest Russian church which is from another state, comes to me. We didn’t have a pastor. I know him well.
I insist that he brings another person to the confession. He gets his brother.
I believe that I confessed about the hands that were touching me after what I have called the fall in my bio. I was trying to have sex (interdimensional) with a lady one night. I was all alone in the room. I experienced a fall, but I was sure that I made a sexual connection and she felt it too.
We wrap up the confession and he does something that I did not expect. He takes me to another room, this one with a door. In it is a middle aged preacher from the neighboring, next state church. There is a young guest preacher that is also there. But most importantly, they bring the preacher who was doing the altar call.
I had only met him once before, and it was at this neighboring church in Tulsa, maybe a few weeks ago.
He looked like in his thirties. He looked simple. When he came to the podium, I judged him by his appearance, and was expecting a mediocre sermon. He absolutely blew me away. He did not speak loudly, but there was a spirit with his sermon.
He was a seer. He could see the spiritual world, and that was very unusual for a man.
The Tulsa pastor gives a short speech on what I told him. He is really not telling a lot, so I add to it. I mention that I feel hands on a woman’s body.
We prepare for a prayer but before this, the seer asks me: “Are you married?” “No” I respond.
“Are you baptized by the Holy Spirit?” “No” I also respond.
The prayer starts. I take my turn praying out loud in front of the circle alone.
Suddenly the seer shouts, “What is this back smoke?” “What is it?”. The prayer ends and he starts telling the group what he saw.
I was not able to follow much of what he said, however I recall two things. He said he saw an old woman. Then some other things, and he saw black smoke. He said it looked like black smoke that you get from burning tires.
The other person asked him, where did the black smoke go? Over him?”. “Yes” he answered. The person just shook his head.
This questioner started to say, “I believe that his problems are coming from his Mom. I will be in New York state later this year and I may visit his parents and talk to them. I didn’t say anything, but was not looking forward to it. But he never did it.
So, believing the witch was sending me a message with the angel pan underneath my brain with black smoke, I was making a connection there.
What was this black smoke? Was it petroleum oil, was it cooking the cake or the brain?
As I am writing yesterday’s small update, I can not spell the word sarchogofus. Spell check can’t correct it no matter how many attempts I make.
I turn to Google, but am told not to use it. The only other way is to find a dictionary and start looking. This takes a while and I find a simple one. It is not there but I keep looking. I see the word cake is nearby (I thought sarchogofus started with a c). I keep scanning and see the word calf. Suddenly it triggers in me an association to sacrifice. I start thinking, was there any sacrifice made on behalf of me? The massagers respond with an affirmative.
Wow, I think, somebody really hated and wanted to hurt me and sacrificed some animal – to mess me up. How do I survive this?
I picture a sacrifice, I see a dead calf. It is pretty gross. I am scared but I proceed to see what will happen next? I see pitch black air cloud. I am shocked. I never expected this. Barbecue doesn’t generate this I thought.
Wow, I remember the seer seeing the black smoke in his vision. Wow. He was also seeing an old lady. Did she get sacrificed?
Were they really trying to kill me this bad? I am getting voices that this old lady was a prostitute – so there was sex involved before hand I expect.
I try to think of a case of human sacrifice that I know. This one is hidden on TV, I believe.
In the movie, Eyes Wide Shut, a married man secretly enters a members only orgy. This one is very serious with crazy stuff. Everybody’s face is covered, so he escapes detection, but not until the end.
Once discovered, he is faced with a punishment. It is serious, however, a woman intercedes and states that she will take the punishment. She is asked does she know what it is? She says that she does. Later in the movie, the lead actor accidently finds her dead in a morgue. I suspected that this was not the end of it, I believed she would be sacrificed to pay the price.
So I tried to think into this scenario to learn something here.
They were trying to hurt me with a human sacrifice I thought. But as I dive into the movie, the human sacrifice was being done to save the lead actor.
Wait – were they also trying to save me with a human sacrifice? This never occurred to me.
So who was this old lady that the seer saw?
I did not have any other description. I dive further into the discussion that was said about the seer’s vision. Another preacher mentioned my mom. Could she have been the one?
My memories took me about two decades back, and I am very sick, laying in bed suffering from a mental illness and not on medication. As I lay, I feel cool black air next to the wall. It is comforting. I am also hearing ticks in the walls from time to time.
Suddenly, I trace the black and see a black ball of energy. Just looking at it I realize that this is a consciousness and it can only communicate through ticks. This severe limitation terrifies me. I run away.
Sometime around this time, a woman walks into my bedroom and I yell at her. “Is this the way you talk to your mother” she asks? “You are not my mother!” I yell back to her.
This couple of events are forgotten for decades – until yesterday.
I realized that this black ball of consciousness was my mother and she was in a state where she could only communicate through ticks. Audible clicks in walls or electrical shocks in my body.
This was shocking, tremendously tragic, and overwhelmed me with mourning and tears. I promised that I would help her out and try to make her feel better. I could not see the her form but I could still hear and feel her ticks.
On the med they were suppressed.
I ask God why was this sacrifice done? He says it is is too dangerous to say.
She wanted to save me from something that I did. Was it from running into the Seventh-Day Adventist group? That is what I thought at the time.
But you see, I recall after that event, when I was running to commit my suicide attempt underneath a garbage truck, a voice asked me “Do you know what this will do to your parents” I did it anyway. This meant that my parents were still alive at that time. It almost surely means that this suicide attempt cost them their lives and in a dear way.
I think my mother voluntarily decided to go through this, probably sobbing and crying, but to save me. Oh what a price!
This was altogether shocking.
My mother communicates with me through ticks. It is not the best but it works much of the time. For example, as I was encouraged to publish this, she kept stopping me. Was it the computer or this or that – she wouldn’t let me start. At wits end, I sat down and waited. Suddenly I hear a tick to the left of me. Where was that? Then sometime later I hear it again and I now know that it is coming from a sunflower seeds that I snack on. She wants me to eat before I start I to work.
I don’t have an appetite still, so at this point my dinner was really a snack and I wasn’t hungry at all.
So I get some food, including milk now. How thoughtful of her! I would be going into a long typing session without enough food.
So, then she lets me start and here I am.
As I was going from the kitchen to a makeshift room that we have on the side of the house, my cat runs out. It starts sniffing the floor in this makeshift room. Hmm, what is it doing. It goes to the corner and continues to smell.
Now I smell something. I tear up the floor in the corner to the dirt. Something is there. Somebody must have sprinkled something into this. They must be trying to hurt us, what can I do about this I think.
I am lead into the kitchen and there is the same smell.
God, says these are ashes. Are they trying to hurt us with these or help I ask? “Helpers” comes the response.
1 am
The previous morning, I was cleaning out my room. Had too much tech junk, way too much. Some of it was unacceptable and had to go.
I had some previous company USB memory sticks that I wanted smashed.
After doing that, I threw them over the fence. Later to further destroy them to I jumped over the 6ft fence to the front yard.
I was told that my mother’s grave was there. Wait where I threw the memory sticks I wrongly thought. I felt tears and deep sobbing coming from me. In times like these I know that it is my mother that is deeply sobbing through me.
She kept moving me down across the street and into a company’s grass. This felt really uncomfortable as I feared it would be trespassing.
We went across the intersection and she led me to traffic light pole. On this pole is a small colored painting.
From the top are three white balloons. The middle one is the highest. Below are two dates. One is in the year 1996, it has the exact date, but I don’t remember it from the top of my head. The next one is in the year 2000.
I suddenly realized that this was a tombstone. I had never noticed before.
Below was a red flower, maybe a rose, crossed with a golden cross.
Below it was a name “Grystlemarie” on a white winged banner.
I believe that this is the tombstone of my parents. The three white balloons I believe represent their three sons. I feel uncontrollable sobbing as I write this. I know that it is my mom who is crying.
The two balloons on each side are at the same level. The middle balloon is the highest. I am the middle child.
The name Grystlemarie is a mystery.
The graves are a little bit down the street I believe.
However, if my mother died in the 90s, we were two relocations away from this house. Either the sign was drawn after we moved in, or it was impossibly predicted.
She walk me further down the street. I find an empty lot with the numbers 192. This code is the same as my initials.
I look at the lot, it overgrown with grass and has concrete stone piles.
Maybe this lot is about me I thought. I thought it felt like a game where you are exploring and finding interesting clues.
On this lot, I find a few bottles. One of them is a clear plastic bottle capped. In it is a brown liquid. Maybe it is meant for me I think. I drink it.
It has a peppermint taste. However, I about to vomit, and I ask my mom to keep me from this. I don’t. I felt in my stomach that it activated a hurt web. Maybe it helped to heal it. My mom says it did.
I go further and find some stuff, take it in my hand and sit on a pole of rocks. My kept shocking my heel and not knowing what she meant, I thought it was to sit barefoot. So I do.
I just sat there for a lot of time. That out of the blue a SUV coming from the opposite direction crossed the yellow line and pulls in next to me.
The man says “Are you okay? Are you depressed”?
“No I answer, I am fine, just thinking”
“Oh he is smiling, so he must not be depressed” he says to his wife that is in the passenger side. The wife asks me a question and I respond. After a little discussion the man says “Well we’ll leave you here thinking” or something like that.
They drive away, make a U turn,speed up and honk their horn a few times as they pass me again.
Strange I thought. It is if they knew I was here and came just to see me and then turn back around.
My mom again shocks my heal and now I realize she means to walk. I immediately put on my shoes and walk back home.
At home I feel sick and eventually vomit out the brown drink.
One more thing, the lunch that I was battling out the magic spell, I knew it’s weakness was in its seal. Where it was I did not know. I managed somehow to break it and be able to eat but still without the hunger.
That evening as we usually make porridge for dinner in an instant pot, I found that the seal was leaking under the pressure. I knew that it had to be replaced. This happened a few times a year. I don’t think it was a coincidence that this happened on the day I was trying to break the magic spell’s seal.
I was able to temporarily fix the seal and the porridge was saved, but after that I replaced it.
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