(Missed the earlier parts? Start here)
2020: Coronavirus and trouble at work
The next year was the year 2020. The year that the coronavirus started spreading.
At work we were making a big decision on a project. A change in a manufacturer for a major part. I was helping to convince the team of this decision.
Remember working on the computer and starting to work with this new part, when God said, “I no longer need this”.
I thought to myself, well we just made a big decision and how can we go back?
What he really meant is that he no longer needed me to work here. I had passed a milestone. It was an important one. After this I was no longer worried about losing the job.
Lockdowns started and we were off to work from home. By now I was developing symptoms from working. My stomach, which was causing problems before, but was not hurting, was hurting when I would work, sometimes. Almost every time that I would start to work, I would be warned of danger by the female worker and discouraged from starting. I suspected that maybe they were worried about my health and keeping me from work.
So I basically stopped working. I got into a cycle that maybe next week I would be better and could work. Next week was the same.
Our boss early in the work from home period, started a group meeting every morning, going through status updates from everyone and recording them in a spreadsheet.
Me not working and going through status updates, at this interval, caused me a lot of stress.
In April, I called the boss after a meeting one morning and explained to him the situation. I was not able to work. He must have presented some options since I decided to apply for short term disability (STD). The workplace medical insurer would have to be convinced that I met the qualifications for this. If so, it would pay for about four months of time.
I apply for this. However, they also automatically apply me for the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). This is a 10-week state insurance that is easier to qualify for.
I was not able to meet the qualifications for STD but did for FMLA. With this I was able to take the time off but get just a fraction of what I was making, but I was happy with this. I was hopeful that I would be well enough at the end to restart working. I used most of the 10 weeks before returning to work.
Same situation, I was not able to work. This time I did not tell my boss about this. He was no longer doing the morning meetings I believe, and this left me with my small group once a week.
Reporting a Monday call when each of your teammates is reporting the progress that they have made for that week proved to be very stressful. There would be many of these stressful Monday calls that I would go through. However, my teammates were not judgmental about my slow or lack of progress.
Somehow, I made it to November, that is when I could no longer cope with this any longer. Maybe deadlines were not being met so I applied for another leave.
Same story not granted STD, but this time, my doctor apparently made some paper mistake, so I was not even granted the remaining time on the FMLA. I got a lower-level leave, but this did not qualify, at my workplace, as a valid leave. I spent the time off, but this is when the HR started to push my boss to let me go.
My boss wanted to keep me. He lost a couple of important people in our group recently and losing me “was the last straw”. He made some serious arguments, so the HR came up with a plan.
The plan was that they would “formally refer” me to a psychiatrist through one of their workplace wellness programs. There was a meeting with the HR and my boss when the workplace was mostly shut down.
We had a discussion. The HR person was worried about me. They asked me what I needed, and I told them I needed more time. Her response was that there has been plenty of time already.
Their plan was that I would choose a psychiatrist from the list, have meetings with him, and the psychiatrist would provide updates to them about me.
I agreed to this plan and left the meeting expecting to follow through.
However, later in the week, concerned about this setup and not expecting real change, I did not schedule the psychiatrist appointment. The deadline passed.
As soon as my boss was notified, he gave me a call to reconsider this. I would not.
This led to one Friday meeting. Not willing to go through this, left the HR no other recourse but to fire me.
I remember when she stated that I am being terminated, I felt a weight come off me and relief.
So, I was let go, I got my termination with cause letter, on the day that would have been my third-year anniversary with the company.
2021: Days after termination
My days following had little to no use of the computer. Most of the time just sitting.
I would get stomach pain or discomfort doing simple tasks like reading the newspaper, working on the computer or searching for something around the house. I realized that I was using the same capacities researching as doing a simple search for something.
Gradually I would be able to use the computer more, doing what I love most, reading news. It started with little but over the months I was able to spend more and more time.
I was not able to do everything that I wanted. Some things that needed to be done would be put off and off. I would still spend time sitting and hoping that my health would return.
I spent these days living like a little child with my parents. Not realizing that I was unemployed, or that these were workdays for most people.
I had a car, money, and a lot of free time but still, almost all my driving would be to grocery stores. I would spend a lot of my time in the bedroom, waiting.
Around this time, early after termination, I went through a delicate period. It felt like I was passing between canyons and there was a weak bridge between the two. I needed to be careful that I did not overload myself. I felt that if I had a relationship before, then this passage may have not been possible.
Another experience is as I was sitting at my desk one day, I knew that I was in an enclosure, like a grave of some sort. Inside it was tight but I was holding out. For some reason, I moved out and saw myself from the outside. I saw what condition I was in, and it scared me. Like a panic of some sort. I felt that I needed professional help to manage this. This, I was not seeking during this time. It did not last long though, the panic, I lost the outside perspective, and it went away.
2022: Immoral suggestions
Sometime after the new year, I would hear voices encouraging me to use porn. I did not care about it too much but decided that I would explore it. So I went to a popular news website that had soft porn. I would not go to any porn-based websites. It would be too embarrassing for me to do that. I just couldn’t.
When I was considering this and visiting a soft-porn news site, I would hear the pastor preach on the Samson sermon, and warning not to make foolish mistakes. So, I stopped.
March
But over the next few months the encouragement would come back. One night as I lay down to sleep, I heard a voice inside of me, “I need porn”. It was hard to reject that. But I did. I was feeling much better by now. The waiting was helping me improve, “Why risk messing this up?” I thought.
By this time, looking for all sources of advice, I managed to start to communicate with the “hand workers”, the workers who were doing the mysterious massages. There was a tapping code that would indicate what I should do.
Well as I lay there in the bed, they indicate to sit down in my desk chair. I do that. Then they tap out to use porn. This I was obedient to.
I took my cell phone and started doing web searches. Started to shake for some reason during this. I found a website that was porn based. It had a subscription service. Before the paywall it had images. I looked at them. They were not that appealing. There was one that had a graphic image of woman’s sexual organ. I wondered why they were putting this material before the pay wall.
I proceeded to start to subscribe. However, the female worker told me to stop for the night.
What I did not realize was that my life had changed that night, looking at those porn images, particularly the graphic one. Later, heard the female worker tell me that I was won and would not be able to overcome them.
I have to say that at first this was not obvious, but as the weeks would go by, I would realize that things that I could have done in the past, like arguing with them, would prove to be harder. In one case I had to compromise, I was no longer in the advantaged position. Later, it became clear that these workers were able to influence my behavior.
The female worker, around this time, tells me, “You have been womanized, please forgive us.” I believe this occurred from the graphic porn that I viewed. At this time, I had not returned to subscribe.
The voices were encouraging me to view porn. I found a free porn website and visited it about three or four times over the course of a few weeks.
Before I visited, I was optimistic about the content. However, it became quickly clear this was not pleasurable. I could not watch through some of the videos. Some acts almost made me throw up. The script lines were weak.
However, I tried to watch it to obey the calls.
Eventually after a handful of times, I stopped visiting it. There was nothing pleasurable there. I thought the news-based website, that had soft-porn, was a better experience.
April
Recently, my sex with these workers is clearly slowing down. I am not sure why, but it is not a problem.
I have recently had a few firsts in a while. Was told for a couple of projects that I wanted to do, to delay until I was womanized (mentioned earlier). After this, these projects were able to be accomplished. One of them was a house project that I was putting off for a long time (pest problem). I was planning on this for years, but it just now was manageable.
The same for buying a new car (ordered it). I was planning on this for years but it just now was manageable.
Still not completely well. I still must be careful and there are waiting times, but the bottom of the valley is clearly in the rearview mirror.
While currently there are real changes and improvements, I am constantly reminded of unfortunate events looming in the future. Even a tragedy. Obviously, I am optimistic, however, life is usually harder and turns in ways you would rather not go.
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