(Missed the earlier parts? Start here)
Last trip to Germany
So then came the morning that my mid-level manager in Germany called me. He needed to close out a project and he needed my help. He needed me for a month in Germany. This was several months before the end of my employment. Again, I was hopeful that maybe it would lead to employment opportunities within the company, so I accepted it.
On previous trips I would rent a car in Germany. However, this time, I did not want the hassle of keeping a car there, and since the hotel was not far from the office, I decided that I would walk to work and any other place that I needed. Besides this would give me a closer view of the country.
I am not sure when I had the two dreams, but I suspect they were very close before or in Germany.
My first dream is being led by a middle-aged man. He is leading me at knife point through the street. Occasionally I try to escape, and he gets upset with me. I tell him “What do you expect, you are leading me at knife point!”.
He continues to lead me and finally we reach a house that I am guided into a driveway. At the end of the driveway, I somehow understand what is expected to happen to me. Trying to make it look so incredible that maybe he would have some sympathy on me I say, “You want me to go swimming in that outhouse waste there?” He does not seem to care. We approach a shed that is about the size of a room. Inside is a pool of liquid refuse at ground level, like what you would find in a septic system. The dream closes with me tiptoeing around the edge of the shed, the only part that has a hard surface.
In another dream, I see a young lady sitting on the edge of a bed. She is holding an infant. I know that it is my child. My mother is sitting across from her and apparently talking to her. I ask God in that dream if I should continue my relationship with her or the Russians. This creates the strong likelihood that she is overseas. I seem to get a yes and suddenly she is holding two children.
These dreams were close by, maybe days or a week. The guy leading me at knife point was something that would happen in Europe where guns are much harder to get.
However, for some reason or another, I was not scared about the trip. Maybe I did not understand the dreams well enough or their relationship.
I was having a good time meeting familiar coworkers in Germany. One was shocked to learn that I was being let go. There were not a lot of job openings there and jobs were harder to get. I really did not try to look for them there for some reason.
Around the third week, I have a conversation or two with the secretary from a group there. For some reason she is asking if I have done any sightseeing around the area. I have not and the only sightseeing was seeing the area from walking to and from work to the hotel and the occasional grocery store.
I promised her that I will visit a museum in Munich, a short trip away from the town that we are in, that weekend. The weekend after that I am flying out.
There were warnings throughout my trip there. I remember hearing words like, “You will be a victim if you go to Munich”. On another occasion I heard at work, “If they find you, they will knock you off your path.” These were voices that were ever present with me. Here they were trying to warn me of something that I should have reconsidered by now.
Still, I was not deterred. I was planning on the trip.
That Friday night, as I am researching the train times and routes and how I am going to get to the museum in Munich (part of it had to be on foot) on my computer, I hear another voice.
“You will be banned”. I ask what sounds like a young boy, “For what?”.
“For what you are planning on.” Then he was gone.
I start thinking to myself, what did he mean by being “banned”?
I thought through all my previous experiences with that word, and the best case that I came up with is something that I read in a book on Edgar Cayce. There he states that a soul can be banned from God by his will. This meant that he would forever be separated from him.
I understood that to mean that I would lose my salvation and be in torment perpetually in hell. This was the most horrible outcome of my life for me. Keeping my salvation was paramount to me.
I reconsider the trip. I decided that I will not go. This was not an easy decision. I had no physical proof that this was a dangerous trip, only dreams and voices, but I willed the changed.
The two dreams were never fulfilled in my life, I believe, because I did not go to Munich.
As I look back at this that night, I am not sure that his words “You will be banned” necessarily meant that I would be banned from God. I would later learn that I would be banned from him anyway. But they helped me to take what I still consider the better choice. I would not be “knocked off my path” just yet.
The secretary stopped at my desk that Monday, and asked, “So did you visit the museum?” I said “No, I spent the time studying German.” Which I did. She seemed surprised. “What?” she said and walked away.
Continuing to look for work
I continue to look for work when I got back to Dallas. After one failed interview, I asked the Bible what would have happened if I got the job. The way that I did this was ask the question and then randomly open it and read where my finger was pointed to.
I was able and still do get very relevant responses.
Started reading about, I think, Judas (who betrayed Jesus) and that “he went and killed himself.” I realized that that position would have led to my suicide.
As I look back on those days, that very well would have. You see, I was starting to get sick. I was already feeling it at work those days. Taking long breaks, even maybe the whole day. I loved the work and had a desire to do it, but the animal under me was getting weaker and weaker and sicker. Think of the grave wound that I have been talking about.
The current position was winding down, for the last year or two I was not the center of attention and since my co-workers were largely in Germany, I was able to escape much of the intensity.
I even talked with my dad once, that I am planning to quit this job. I told him that I was already not able to work. “What is your plan” he asked. I said, “Come back to Rochester”. His response was “That is the easy path, rather try to continue to work.” Which I did.
My point is that, if I got any job, they would have likely expected a lot and I would be under scrutiny. I was not able to work 100% of the time. My failure in that job could have very well led to suicide.
As I look back at some of the interviews that I went to and I hoped that I got that job, I realize, my God, what was I thinking. I was willing to take any offer. There were some that I should have never considered. It was God’s mercy that I was rejected.
What I did not realize at the time, was that God was closing doors for each interview there. He was closing doors to stay in Texas. Like I said, my life was literally at stake here.
It began with an argument with my parents on Sunday that l corrected before I arrived at church.
This Sunday a truck driver was in the area, and he was invited to preach.
He starts his sermon saying that he works at a large trucking company and that he always has truckloads to deliver. However, this Sunday he doesn’t have any. He says that once he arrived at our church it became clear to him on why he was free. He sees a problem here and he has a sermon.
The preacher starts by telling us a story that his wife’s parents ran into a big bill at a hospital due to their illness. They had great bills that they could not pay. Apparently, they didn’t have health insurance. They asked him if he could help. His decision was quick and without much thought. He quickly sold his paid off house and used that money to pay for all their medical bills. He had an expensive house.
His sermon was loud and fiery. And it became clear to me what God’s message for me was: listen to your parents. I took this as a lesson and started to change my behavior.
My parents wanted me to move back to Rochester. I felt that I should stay in Dallas for a month or two and continue to look for work. My reason was this was a bigger city, much more employment opportunities, bigger companies. Rochester was much smaller and probably did not have big companies there.
Eventually the message was becoming louder and clearer and I decided to listen to my parents and to move back to Rochester, without looking for work in Dallas.
Before I gave the landlord my notice, he sent me a new lease contract. In the over four years that I was with him, my original lease expired and he never renewed it. Now he wants a new one. I am really scared of signing a new one, with my employment running out. So, I immediately sent him the lease termination letter. Another door closed.
2017: Back with my parents and a new job
So, my stay in Dallas ended and I moved back in with my parents in Rochester.
Before I left, my psychiatrist gave me a prescription for three months of the only medication that I was on, the now generic Zyprexa (Olanzapine). So, I had a three months supply from a good pharmacy (CVS). However, back in Rochester I felt that I could not afford the more expensive medication from CVS without insurance. I was planning on going to a much cheaper generic from another pharmacy (Costco) that I could pay out of pocket. I tried theirs once in Texas but grew unstable, so I switched back.
So, in August of 2017 I was back in Rochester and started to look for work. I was not having immediate success. My medication is running out. I decide that I will contact my doctor in Texas, not the psychiatrist from Dallas, for a new prescription. So I gave him the Costco pharmacy address and I expected that he would give me at most a three-month supply. However, he gave me six months! Now I realize that I am trapped with Costco for that long of a duration. That was before I knew that you could transfer prescriptions between pharmacies on your own.
So, knowing there is a risk, I continue with this inferior generic.
I continue to look for work in Rochester. I am still not having success. What I did not realize, because the change was so gradual, was that I was slowly getting sick. However, early on, there was an upside to this. I was able to think more lucidly and have an easier time talking. I believe that it also helped with my interview performance.
It must have been about three months on the new generic, January of 2017, that I was involved in two interviews. One was a smaller local company and the other one was part of a huge worldwide company. It had 10x more employees worldwide than TI had.
The interviews are progressing, with the smaller one I go through one interview, then another. Then I believe another, and they make me an offer.
With the bigger company, Bosch, I also go through several interviews. However, there is a hiccup. They are concerned about my social skills. I reveal to them that this has been an issue. True, I am not that talkative.
Once I have the offer with the smaller company, the deadline is to take it or leave it by Friday. I have an interview with Bosch also on Friday. I ask the other company if they could move the deadline, and they agreed to Monday.
At the end of the interview with Bosch that Friday, I tell the manager that he has a decision to make, I already have an offer. He is okay with me; however, the issue is with his manager. He has a concern with my communication and he tells me that he will let me know by Saturday after he talks with him.
Saturday, he responds that they will give me an offer. Monday, I get the official letter. I was hoping that they would give me a higher salary than the smaller company. However, they are giving me slightly but significantly less pay.
Still, I decide to go with Bosch. My first day turns out to be a few weeks later in February. I start work and it seems that things are going well. Have insurance but I continue to take the inferior generic. I have forgotten that this may be a problem.
It was somewhere during this time that this happened. I am getting sicker and struggling. I know that I need some help. So, as I am sitting on my bed, I think of the Bible and suddenly Revelation comes to mind and the number 666. I bring it up to The Workers on this. The female worker responds, “You are him”. I realize that she is responding that I am the Antichrist.
I think about this. The Antichrist has a good life, he is a great leader of the world towards the end times. He conquers nations. He is known for inventing the Mark of the Beast.
But I think further, he goes to hell in the end. Is being in hell for the rest of your existence worth that great of a life?
However, I believe that I am him.
I still believe this to this day. Remember that prophecy that God gave me in Dallas, that I will know my life’s purpose? Well today, I know of no other purpose than this. He also gave me a prophecy there (through the prophetess during a youth prayer), that “Peace will fill the room that you are in, and people will say that God is with him.” Antichrist is known as a man of peace.
I never thought that peace can be a spirit, it can flood the room. Now, I am seeing evidence of that in my life here and there.
However, I would learn of a key detail much later. I believe that I will not be the Antichrist in this life, but a future one, in a future incarnation. (Here is a short summary and a much longer one on him).
Sickness again
As the months drag on, I am having what I call episodes where things are getting strange and unusual. However, like a frog in a slowly heating pot, I do not realize that this is a problem. Have long forgotten that I had a concern early on with this generic.
I am starting to have issues at work. Realize that I am no longer able to concentrate on work or converse with people. I am not seeing a psychiatrist at this time.
I am starting to be inducted into a whole new world. My thoughts are that I am about to lose my salvation. I am trying to save myself. There are conversations with God. He tells me that I will spend eternity without him and instead be with The Workers. They are demons, I knew this all along. They have real bodies, almost indistinguishable from a human body. However, I believed and still do today that they are working to improve me.
For some reason, I get the idea that I am responsible for the end of the earth. There are struggles in the spiritual domain that take away my time. I remember this one night, late on with this medication, that I stay awake to save myself. I spend hours late into the night on my bed fighting a battle. However, at about three o’clock, I realize that this was unnecessary. I am really upset that I have lost my sleep and effort and go to sleep. Now I am having issues with sleep, something that I had no problems with the other generic.
I remember spending a day literally staring at a dark screen at work. My coworker asks me what I am doing. “I am having a brain fog today” I answer.
Things progress even further. I am driving with my mother to my brother’s house. Suddenly I flip out and start yelling at her. I get to the house and still in a rage, I leave her and the car at his house and start walking back home.
My brother drives up and asks me where I am going, I tell him I am walking back home. He asks, “Do you know how far that is?” It is five miles away. Still, I am not deterred. I walk down the busy street. Since I do not want another experience with him, I turn the corner and spend the rest of the evening resting, in a hiding spot.
I plan on living on the streets: I am not able to make it at home. Tell the Workers what the problem is.
I remember walking and thinking, that yes, I am supposed to be the Antichrist, but here I am spending the night on the street.
There is another thing that has been going on with me even during the better times in Dallas. I somehow started to believe that I was on the verge of being abducted. I was longing for that. However, it was failing me time and time again.
Here this night on the streets, I was hoping that they would take me away. As I sat there the hours slipped by and I realized that would not be the case. It is already night. I decided that I will walk to a fast-food restaurant and buy a meal. Had a phone and wallet and I was at this point half a mile from my brother’s house.
I walk three miles to learn that it has closed for the night. My feet have developed blisters from the walk, and they are painful. I walk another mile and a half to a grocery store that I know is open 24 hours. I buy something there and go outside and sit on the bench, eating in the darkness.
It is there that I decide to go back home. It is over seven miles away. Another long painful walk. I make it home by dawn.
However, I decide that I will go to work.
I work during the day. Don’t know where I was finding the energy.
However, things were deteriorating even further.
One morning, which must have been a few days after the night on the streets, I spent a long time praying. I am fighting a battle in the spiritual domain. My mother is getting concerned about me. Only recently has she seen the symptoms that I am having.
I am already late for work, so I go to the bathroom, and I am feeling unwell so I stay there. I stay until I feel that it is too late to go to work, so I decide to stay home that day. However, I did not notify my boss.
Three days go by. My parents are encouraging me to go to work. I am refusing. I have decided that I will no longer return.
On the third day, as I am in my bedroom, somebody knocks on our front door and my parents answer. It is three police officers. Two men and one woman. They asked if they could talk with me.
My parents let them in and they come to my bedroom. They ask how I am doing. I am angry at them, though I hide that emotion. Feel as if they want to take me to the hospital, but I have done nothing to deserve it.
I tell them that I am not doing okay. The woman police officer asks me if I am planning on hurting myself. I say that I am not.
They tell me they are answering a welfare check that was called in by my workplace. Am I willing to go back to work? I think about this for a little while. Eventually, I say that I will go back to work.
They say that they will inform the workplace that I had an issue but that I will be returning to work. They leave.
Around this time, my mother mentions to me that maybe I should go back to the previous medication. I remember my concern about the current one, that I forgot all about. Realize that I must switch back.
I have a small supply of the previous medication that I restart and I start feeling better within a few days.
At the workplace my boss is happy to see me and tells me that he had to call the police because he was uncertain what was happening with me. After talking it over for a while, with an HR person, I go home for the day. It is Friday, and I need the weekend for the medication to take effect.
Things gradually improve and life returns to normal at the workplace. I feel better and start being able to concentrate on the work and the conversations. The spiritual battle is forgotten.
The campaign
It must not be a month or two later, in June of 2019, that I developed a fever, so I decided to stay home. The fever progressed into a cough. I expected it to go away on its own. However, it would not.
Eventually I went to the doctor. The nurse looked at the temperature gauge, it was 103 F. “How are you still walking” she asked that morning. I did not tell her that it was hovering around 104 F during the late afternoons.
They do blood work, and the doctor wants to do a chest x-ray. The chest x-ray comes back showing that I have pneumonia.
He starts me on antibiotics and gradually the intense cough and fever goes away.
It is during the on-the-mend period at home that I get a text message from a buddy that I knew well in Dallas.
He was probably one of the closest friends that I had there. He was Mexican, short and thin. We met working on something similar, I believe. We started talking sometime later in my stay at the company.
I remember we did a couple of lunches together that he proposed. We talked about a few things, one thing that I remember is he asked some Bible questions.
He said that in his life he worked as a janitor once. I told him that I did too. “The great Alex worked as a janitor?!” he said surprisingly.
Sometime later, he came to my cube, and we went for a walk. He said that he had not revealed this to anyone here yet, but that he was told that his employment would soon end.
We brainstormed about what he could do next. I gave him some advice and we parted. Later I heard that he had left (I believe early) since he found another job.
I had not heard from him for a few years until his text message.
He is writing from a new number, so he identifies himself. I for some reason ask and am told to NOT respond to him. However, I think about it for a while and decide I must, since he is a good friend.
I respond. He seems okay, however a couple texts into it, I for some reason feel very uncomfortable with what I am receiving. I start doubting it is him. I regret starting this conversation and decide that I must stop it.
He asks me if he can call me. I am no longer responding. He calls and leaves a voicemail.
His calls and texts continue over the next three months. I have not responded since the first day.
The workers were very helpful through this. One time, I got a text from him and he seemed angry and said that this is his last. I feel guilty and feel I should respond. However, the female worker kept me from doing this. He continued to send me text messages.
I remember one day at work, we are standing in a group meeting, and I decided that I will respond. Hear a voice say, “You’re going to have sex”. I am still willing to call. Then at the end of the day, I hear another voice, this time inside of me say, “Don’t call, I will die.” This causes me to relent and my ghosting of him continues.
Another event is where it came really close. I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for a family member to return from a shopping trip. God suddenly says, “Be careful, be careful”. I wonder what that means. I determine that he means that I should answer the friend.
That evening at home, I prepare a text message to him. As I have finished the text message, I am about ready to send it. However, my finger somehow moves across the keypad on its own, and it types out “call”. I erase the text message and call him. There is no response. His voicemail answers, he has no personal message. I quit the call without leaving a message. Feel relieved of some of the guilt that I didn’t know that I had developed. I continue my ghosting.
This was a really close call. Thank God there was no contact. If there was, I would not have had the will to probably return to ghosting him.
This was not the only attempt to contact me. There were other texts. I remember that I wake up during the night to use the bathroom. As soon as I return to my bedroom, I hear a text message sound.
“Hi, it’s Gabriel”. This was a stranger. A text message in the middle of the night, just when I happened to be awake for at most five minutes? Text messages to me were still infrequent, maybe once every couple of days or more during that time.
I don’t respond, my inhibition still working well, even half-asleep.
There are others, unusual ones, like a stranger messaging my full-name and a question mark on the first text message.
Or the lady who would call me three times in succession, each day, one after another for days. I say a lady, because I experienced an effect that I believe was caused by a female, during her one unanswered call.
To me it seemed like it was a campaign to reach me. I was able to hold out. It will stop at the end of the year.
Health continues to deteriorate
Around that time, I was not doing too well at work. I would enjoy the work, have the mind to work and the will, however, I realized that my health was deteriorating. The animal underneath me was growing weaker and sicker. It needed a lot of rest. After denying myself the rest I would later feel guilty, I felt like I had to slow down. I was murdering myself.
This would reoccur with increasing frequency towards the end of the year. I would feel unwell at work and decide to take the rest of the day, literally staring at the screen, no work. Maybe the next day I would feel healthier and stronger and would be able to continue, I thought. Sometimes the next day would be the same. Eventually, I would be able to restart.
The workload here was light. There was no significant pressure or even notice when I would pause work during those days. Eventually, I would make enough progress to pass the weekly status meetings.
I thought about what if I had taken the other offer. It was a smaller company, and I felt that I would not get away with this behavior there. It could have turned into a disaster. I was really grateful for this position.