God was giving me what I call keywords, fragments and it is hard to get a response from him to clarify.
So, he was encouraging me to what I interpreted to get more readers for the blog. The best way at the time that I knew was to try to write to news sources and ask them to read the blog and write an article.
I tried this before for one news source and they never responded. So, I tried a several other ones recently. They also did not respond.
So, I have given up on them. I decide to promote the blog on social media. But you don’t get a big audience after starting. You need to ramp up to get a big outreach.
The Loss
This happened within a few days and became apparent today. This has caused me to be very angry and unstable. Still, the workers who led me to this, I do not believe they did this out of evil intent to me.
Tried a few social media websites. I quickly learned, at least at the sites that I tried, that outreach takes time to build up.
I tried one but gave up on it since it was not right for me. Tried another and decided to take time to build up a following.
Have been working for about a week. Didn’t get many viewers, probably only a handful.
One day as I read mainstream news, I made an observation. As I was taking a walk and I was thinking about this, I felt that I was being encouraged to write about this.
When I came home, the urge was gone, and I was skeptical about posting this controversial idea. However, now I was being led to do this by the female workers. So, I did.
Over the past few days, it became clear to me that this caused me to burn a bridge. I was very upset about that I was encouraged to do this. Very upset. It created a lot of chaos today and it is still hard to get over.
However, I ultimately believe that they were looking at the long run and not short-term consequences.
Work
I started to briefly look for work about a month ago. Came across a posting that I could not wait to apply. So applied and heard from them in a few days. The email response was that the position is meant for further downstate (in the listing it is for local), so moving would have been necessary for me. I agreed that I could move.
Surprisingly, I started getting anxious/fearful just before the interviewer called me. So much, that I was starting to worry if I could speak properly. However, I was trying to make an effort to face east. I thought that was the best position for work. However, for one reason, I changed my position to face south. The fear immediately went away, and I was able to take the call just fine.
He immediately asked me why I have a two-year gap. I explained the story, how I was fired, and mentioned burnout. He asked me if I did any studying during this period. I had not.
First, I was not sure that I would come back to this profession. Second, this is as early as I could have taken the course. The medical issues needed time to heal.
I told him that I did a coding project. I later realized that I could have said that I was working on self-development (healing) and in reality, that was all that I was doing.
We talked about a few other things, including some parts of my work history. He seemed like a nice guy.
At the end, he said that he is going to his leadership team and discuss me with them. Plan A was to see if I could stay in Rochester (they have an office here) or plan B was to move to the other location.
I have not heard back from them in almost four weeks now. So, I have given up hope on this.
I have not applied for another job. Waiting until I feel better. I am not even looking at the email recommendations – this is how this one started.
Dating
It is embarrassing for me to talk about this topic. I now realize that I am not in the best position to start this. But I will talk about what I did.
So, I was being led, or at least what I thought were voices asking me to view porn. Generally, now I don’t care for porn. They do very little for me. It is sometimes difficult to look at porn. I am serious with it that I get a better experience looking at advertisements of women on the internet that are better dressed.
But this time and there are others that I did. I was looking at a website that was grouping things together. One of the things that they had was dating. Well, I thought, this could be better than porn.
So, I researched some dating sites and found one that was appropriate for me. I have heard about it for a long time, so it is well established.
With God’s encouragement, I started the registration. It had a long questionnaire that I filled out. They were asking various questions. Finally, it was over. I enter my name and other stuff about myself and now I am what looks like the final two screens. First is to provide a picture of yourself and the other is a description.
I am about to provide a photo of myself – but God says no. Same to description. So, I close the site and expect to not be findable since I have not finished these two pieces of information.
A few days go by, and I realize that I am findable, someone looked at my profile. That was exciting. She was a few years younger than me. But of course, looking at a blank profile, she must have thought that I was trying to delete myself from the website.
Anyways, just recently, I decide that it is best for me that I am not findable. So, I have done that, I have not deleted myself from the website, but I should not be findable.
I feel there are serious issues here. The biggest one is that I am not working. This is huge in a relationship. If I was working, I could have my own residence and I do not right now.
So, dating has failed. Publicity has also failed in a difficult string of events. Looking for work has also failed, and I have decided to pause this to wait until I feel better.
Bright Sides
I usually have had a hard time getting up early in the morning. For the past month or more, I have been able to get up fairly early, well before sunrise and get some stuff done. This has been the best part of my day.
The biggest problem that I have lately, is finding to do something that I enjoy. News articles, emails (I almost never get personal emails) and checking on my website – only last so long through the day. Eventually I go idle and lately this has meant resorted to going to bed to rest, which undesirably sometimes causes me to nap. (I have been able to avoid this since restarting the white noise)
In general, my health is improving.
I made an observation today.
Live with my parents, and we have some of our relatives come over for lunch periodically. I have been baking some dishes for the last several years. Something for the main course and a desert.
I remember about a year ago, as I was baking, that I was having hard time with my health. As long as I stayed in the kitchen, I was generally fine. Occasionally crossing the house to do something would cause me to become unwell. It would take some time to recover from this – endangering my dishes. This would reoccur fairly regularly.
Overall, I was able to get the dishes done that I needed to.
Today, I realized that I no longer have this problem.
Slowly but surely, my health has been improving.
Am I Reaching Being Harvestable?
This is a tremendous word and not in the conventional sense. Let me explain.
Around 2017, when I was in Texas, shortly before I had to move away, I went to a confession. I was being asked to confess – I would hear the confession word being said to me, so despite being really, really scared to go to a Pastor and start talking about my secrets, I decided to do just that. I needed to be saved.
There were about three different confessions that I did. The last two were with a Pastor in Tulsa, OK. Our Russian church in Texas just had a deacon leading us. The only pastor we had was in another Russian church in Tulsa. He would visit us at least once a year.
So, I call him and arrange a weekend to drive over to his house and do the confession. This was very uncomfortable for me and scary. He was a nice guy, a very nice guy. Down to earth, hard working.
One of those times, what probably was a Saturday, after the confession, while I am still at his house, he invites me to a church meeting that night. I decide to go.
The Saturday night church meeting is going well, I am not participating in it much and even miss what his wife, who is sitting in a small group is telling the church. There are not a lot of people here, maybe less than twenty and we are sitting in a group next to the pulpit.
I hear the senior guy facing us, say “Thank God!”. He then faces me and asks, “Did you hear what she said?” I say “no”.
She was saying something about me to the whole church and I miss it completely. I approach her later and ask her what she was saying. She says wait until I arrive back at their residence and she will tell me then.
I forget about this and back at their home, we go through the routine and finally she tells me what it is.
She says that she saw a vision about me. There was this field of some crop, like wheat. It was almost ripe, but not completely. Then she said she saw a hand, not white or black, I think something in between.
The next part I didn’t pay attention to. But later she said that God will prevent something from happening, I think because my harvest is not yet ripe.
To the best of my analysis, I believe that the hand wanted to take me, but since I was not yet harvestable, God prevented this hand (group?) from taking me at that time.
Sound farfetched? It happened that before that time I was expecting that I was going to be taken. I couldn’t wait. It had to happen in a week. But that never happened, for years.
I remember one night, as I was laying in bed, in a house that I was renting, I was thinking about this. Suddenly, I hear a crashing sound in the part of the house that the front door is in. I become really scared and wait. Nothing happens and eventually I go to sleep. That made me realize that this would have been a scary experience in reality – something that I did not anticipate.
What Does Harvest Mean?
Harvest is a word that appears in the Bible as Jesus talking about it. I have read Christian books on the Harvest. There is a Christian group that I followed that uses harvest in its name.
Still the definition really alluded me, until I read the book called THE RA CONTACT. I have not completely read the book, but enough to understand things.
I will really try to summarize what I know, but for the best understanding, visit the link above, and read some webpages, like the synopsis one.
“Ra” is a name of a group of entities (maybe several million) that live on Venus in the sixth density. They would probably be invisible to us if we viewed them. In fact, fourth density creatures are invisible to us third density ones.
Yes, me and you exist in what Ra calls third density. Each of us went through two harvests already, one from first density to second and then to third. First density on planet Earth took two billion years and second density took 4.6 billion years.
If a creature is not ready for the next density when the harvest comes, it is skipped and it has to wait for the next one. If it is harvestable then it is taken into the next density. This kind of reminded me about what Christians call the “rapture”. I am kind of leaning that they are both the same at this moment.
Ra calls the fourth density life beyond words. Our language was not designed to explain fourth density.
Third density on earth only exists for about 75,000 years, which we are almost there. There have been two harvests already, happening every 25,000 years. On the first there were none to harvest. The second there were several hundred, but they chose to stay in third density until their friends reached being harvestable too.
Ra is in the sixth density and says the final one is the seventh, which is oneness with the Creator. Eight density starts the cycle all over again – in a new Universe, I believe.
He promises that each consciousness will experience all of the densities. This is by design by the Creator. The only difference is how long will that take.
Ra’s was in third density 2.6 billion years ago. So, you get the idea – it takes a very long time to get there.
Finally, the Ra book really helped me answer some serious questions that I had with Christianity. To sum it up in a few words, I believe it actually saved me from some of the negative teachings of Christianity. I haven’t attended church service in several years. Before then, I would regularly go to church every Sunday. I needed to be saved. Now I no longer worry about that. I feel fine and am no longer dependent on them for my spiritual health.
One last thing that I would like to mention is that some Christians are very good at denial. They say they believe in the Bible, but not accept any new teachings. Edgar Cayce being asked by one person if they should turn to some religion. His reply in a trance was that yes go ahead, religion is a great focuser. He added one more important sentence: “But don’t think you have the whole cheese”. Sadly, Christianity thinks it has the whole cheese, that it is the only way to be “saved”.
Money Making
Looking forward, I started to look for some sort of money-making endeavor. This just got started like a day ago, and I am trying to find some good ideas – which is not easy. I think it is best that I start on my own, instead of getting a day job. On my own, I can go at the rate that I want and not be pressured by a boss. Still, if I was able, I believe that going back to the engineer career would provide me the finances that I need. But there are layoffs now and this seems that it will only get harder.
White Noise
I stopped the white noise during computer use for a week or two, thinking that I don’t really need it. Wrong, I do. I would experience “crashes” in energy and had to resort to going to bed, to recover.
Again, as I was going through this, it didn’t occur to me that this was due to the lack of white noise. Eventually it did and after I restarted it, I have been able to spend time on the computer throughout the day – without the crashes. It is truly amazing, and I don’t understand why it works – but it does.
If anyone is tempted to try white noise, I would recommend natural sources of it. Like the static when the radio is not tuned to any station, wind blowing or a waterfall. This is what I am using right now – in addition to the transparent static of a television. I have a ten-minute recording of a CRT television that has white noise and snow static on a continual loop. If I need more help, I just turn up the volumn.
Finally
I think I need to find a project or something productive to do with my time. Things are going, they are improving slowly. I am getting the life that I had before back – I think with some key improvements.
I remember taking a walk and suddenly it felt as if I was outside the box, like I could feel past myself. It was really awesome – but it didn’t last long.
It is funny, there are things when you are sick or deprived of life that you really appreciate and would so definitely want to experience again. But when you do get there, it feels normal sometimes.
There are times that I feel I can understand people – feel their energy. I realize then that I overestimated them – ladies in particular. This “radar” is what I need to have before getting into any relationship to not be disappointed and be safe.
I have had many short awesome experiences that I was so hopeful would last. Somehow, they don’t. But they keep coming and I am hopeful that one day I realize that it is back, but in such a slow way that I never noticed it when it came.
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