How the blog started
The idea of starting a blog started around May 2022. I was thinking about my history and had a passion to share it. So, I decided to start a blog. Before that, I began a document that I worked on from day to day. Most of the progress was made early on. I would take breaks until I felt better.
Eventually I started researching which website address that I would like. For a while I brainstormed. One that I ended up on liking the most was alexsblog.com. It was for sale but too expensive. Alexsblogs.com was for free so I ended taking that. Was a little bit uncomfortable with that name, but it should be okay.
Eventually I had the content, over 20k words, written. The last part was to proofread the material. This was causing me troubles. I was not feeling well working on it, so I was putting it off. I remember on June 12th (Sunday) I wanted to work on it, had a short conversation with God and I believed he wanted me to wait three more days before doing more work.
So, the Monday, I was getting calls, strangely from God, to continue to work on the story. There was not much left to do, and I was able to finish this quickly, without many symptoms. Unlike previous attempts, my stomach was not giving me problems that night, which it can do, sometimes quickly, working on the computer.
Once the proof reading was done, I started working on the website. There was some frustration with it. Simple things were taking me way too long. The application that I was using was new to me and help was hard to find on the web. However, I was able to finish setting it up, uploading the content and early in the morning Tuesday, it was up and functioning.
I thought about how I would get people to visit the website. There are millions of websites out there. What would put my website up in the search results to be found? I expected month or two of wait before getting any traffic. The first few days, there were no views.
Surprisingly within four days of launching the website, there were two visits to it. They came from searches. They came to the main page, viewed it and left. No viewing any of the posts. I was a little disappointed but happy that the website started to get traffic. However, the next several weeks would not see any additional views. As of late June, there was only one additional visit to the website, this one was because of a promotion that I did.
I should probably enjoy the quite before the storm. I need to be well enough to handle the maintenance of the website. This will take time.
How I am doing
It seems that not much has changed over time. However, I think that I am not great at judging how things have changed over long period of time.
First, there have been what I call fast changes. These are moments in your life that you realize things have changed. Like feeling at peace or feeling love pouring into your life. You believe that this will become the new normal, that it will not go away. However, these moments, that are immediately obvious, don’t seem to last past three or four days. I wonder why but I am not sure. This has been the case over the last year.
Then there is what I believe are slow changes. These are changes in your life that happen so slowly that you do not notice them. But they are longer lasting, perhaps indefinitely. There are a few that I can think of, again these are likely not the only. Introspection is hard now and my memory over long periods is not that great.
One is my desire for coming out with my life. This blog is part of that. I sometimes now desire public attention. This was not the case say a year ago.
So again, as I look at myself, I seem to be normal, not much has changed, but this is an illusion. Maybe the keyword is “normal”, I may be becoming that more and more.
Maybe a good way of judging myself is asking myself what I still need? There are still things here in this category. There may always be things in this category. But I am sure that some of my previous needs have already been already met.
There is one of these fast changes, that I am hoping will become lasting. Really, I need them all.
One of them is what I call becoming an extrovert. This are moments where you want to be around people. Where you feel their energy and emotions. Where spending time with them is fun. When you are recharged from the outside. When going back to your bedroom is sad.
Again, these are new and have not been that long lasting but in the long term are important for me.
I have little doubt that the workers/God is helping me make these improvements. If it was up to me, I would get nowhere.
Another of these fast changes, is what I have already mentioned is love pouring into your life.
When Love Broke Thru
I have collected a group of songs, mainly Christian ones, that I listen to periodically. I own these songs and have purchased them over the years on Amazon.
It is amazing what you can learn from an artist who writes their own songs. They write about the most intimate things about their life. I think that some of their friends would have a hard time knowing things about them that they reveal in their songs.
So, there was this word that they were mentioning time after time to describe a work in their lives.
The word is love, but it is not about a partner. But perhaps the clearest song about this is from TobyMac. His song titled “Love Broke Thru” (This song can also be found on YouTube here). I would listen to periodically and it would be a dream to me. You see, he states that this was the beginning for him. He was a nobody before this.
I was in a desert, just like the artist described his experience. A desert is an absence of water and life. It is not that an uncommon experience. People can go through this for a year or more.
I remember one night as I lay on my bed, I was asking the workers to reach my heart. Trying to make every effort that they would reach the place where I needed them most. However, I was told that this was not a good idea at that time as this would be evil. Sure enough, later that night, I would experience symptoms like where you want to twist your legs or clench your fists in torment. Expecting maybe I was cold, I put on some layers and started to feel better.
A few days later, I started to realize that after all this time, I was alone inside. I started working on a theory that some people may have a relationship or even be married, but still be alone inside in their heart.
A day later I was thinking about this theory, and wanting this to change for me, and it did. It seemed like my shell developed a leak right then. There was a breakthrough. What is best described as love started to leak through. The flow was small, but as it reached inside of me, it was healing me and nourishing me at the same time. This would continue for a few days until I did not notice it as much. That is why I called it a fast change. However, there is evidence that it may be still ongoing, outside of my vision.
I felt better immediately, even my mother mentioned that I looked happier.
I am believing that this will become a slow change with long lasting benefits.
For Toby Mac this was a life changer.
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