I would like to go over my life’s sexual history in this post. I going to try to be comprehensive about it. The way that my life unfolded is unusual, like a plane out of control in the sky, but somehow lately, it has stabilized.
Very Early Years
This experience I am not sure about, but I will still include it. Back when I was in Ukraine, younger than 7 years old, I remember I usually liked to play outside my grandparents’ house. Across from their house was my aunt’s house. There lived my cousins. I used to play with them a lot. I don’t believe that I got this idea on my own first, but there was a period when I was asking her, my cousin, to do something – I believe it was sexual – no I had no idea of sex at all back then, memory is almost lost of this time, maybe it was something like take of your clothes, I am not sure.
What I do remember is her and me on hay pile and me asking about this. The rest I don’t remember. Sometime later I was at my other grandparents’ house, and I was sitting with, on a bench, on a street with an older young gentleman. For some reason he drew out on the ground how a man’s private parts looked like. I drew how a female private part looked like. He looked surprised and asked me how I knew this. I believe at this time I even did not know how or from where. I still don’t, but the earlier recount may be the reason.
I almost feel my memory was blocked of what happened with the rest of the story with the cousin. Seems unusual that I have zero recollection after that verbal exchange with her. Maybe there is nothing there, I can’t be sure.
The Soldier
Life continued and we moved to the country of Georgia. Again, there were plenty of playing around in the streets. Across from where we lived there was a field and houses, like a big circle. One of those houses lived an older young man with his mother. For some reason I believe he was a former soldier. He may have been in his early 20’s.
One day I am near my house, he is sitting on the steps across in his, and he motions or calls for me to come over. I do. He leads me into his house, he is alone. He lays himself down and puts me on top of him and starts doing something that I do not understand. I keep asking him, “What are you doing?” At some point he seems afraid that his mother has come back into the house and calls her. She does not answer, and he continues. He completes and starts playing with me, like rolling me on his back. Then drives with me on his bikes to some locations around the area. That is all that I remember of this experience. This did not reoccur. I had no bad feelings to him about this.
While this may not be his fault, years down the line, when I was still maybe in High School, I heard my mother say that a nurse told her that I have Herpes antibodies. I get the blisters from time to time, so I probably have it. At the time I felt that it only came from sexual contact and since this was the only case, I believed that I got them from him. I am no longer sure about this, maybe there is a way to get Herpes without sexual contact?
I remember the days in Georgia, where I developed this routine that would stay with me for a long time. As I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, I would imagine these sexual scenes, girls and me, like a fantasy and play the story out in a video in my head – until I fell asleep. Again, around this time, I did not understand sexual intercourse, so the scenes were like me playing with them in fields, in beds. I would continue to do this probably until the middle school.
Elementary School in America
The next sexual occurrence happened when we were in America, maybe the first few years, after 8 years old. For some reason, me and my older brother were laying in the same bed. This may have been since we shared the bed. He asks me If I would like to feel something good. I didn’t answer, I was turned to him though. He brought his body briefly to touch mines and I did feel some pleasure in the waist. We were fully clothed. He then turned away, see that felt good, he said.
That was the only case with him. Nothing harmful. Can you believe that I am 41 years old today and I have not touched another person waist to waist to recreate this feeling.
Sometime later, at the same house, I was outside with my brothers, and we were playing in our backyard on what was a T-shaped metal post that probably was used for drying clothes. My older brother was doing pull-ups on the bar and after some time he said that “After doing a lot of pull-ups – too much – I feel pleasure.”
I decided to repeat it and would do pull-ups until I could no longer do them – and still try – sure enough after this there was this sexual pleasurable feeling like an orgasm across the arms and body. I think science has a term for this, I am not sure of it at this time. Google search does not immediately find the term.
We moved to a different house, and I remember doing this over and over again. It was harmless and pleasurable.
The Beginning of Vice
During this time, I noticed that my older brother was doing things underneath the bed. I was not sure and wanted to figure out what it was. I never talked to him about this. For some reason I was able to reproduce this on my own. It was masturbation – and it would cause death by a million cuts in my life. I became addicted to it. I believe that this is what led to my mental illness.
The first few times it was not problematic, but one time after some days of doing this, I lost fluid. This is the first time of these sexual experiences that I felt something went wrong.
It would be many times, always guilt, always self-harm and always the next time over the years. I would continue this until about at the age of ~23 and I was then able to stop it.
The Crush
I remember my first crush; it was in third grade. My desk was next to this beautiful Asian girl. I was attracted to her. So I had fantasies about her as I fell asleep in those days. I never told her though – ever the keeper of secrets.
Eventually I left elementary school. I met her several times after that. One time I think it was in a tennis club that I was in, I saw her play tennis against another opponent. The last time was at a chess club that my brothers were in, I am not sure what she was doing there, but in this small club I met her. We talked, she mentioned that my voice had changed. At this time, I no longer had a crush on her.
Girlfriendless
As the high school years would progress, I did not have a girlfriend and was not looking for one. I remember a slightly overweight, short, and a girl that I was not attracted to, sent me a note through another girl. She was asking If I would like to be her friend.
That evening, in the basement of our apartment, I wrote a response to her. It is unchristian to have girlfriends was the response. There was more than that. The next day I passed the note to her through her friend. She quickly responded that it was not meant to be immoral. But I didn’t care and went on from there. I believe that was the only time in my life a girl asked me a question like that.
The next high school experience became serious. I remember this other Asian girl; she was in my various classes. I don’t think I was attracted to her initially; she was not necessarily pretty but not bad looking. We acted normally, nothing personal. One time, in a class full of students, as everybody is facing the teacher and she is talking, she did something shocking. She was several rows in front of me, so I could see what she was doing. She started to masturbate, this was obvious, and then she started looking back at me as she was doing this. Nobody said anything about this. This was the only time this happened.
As I was getting more mentally ill, I remember having fantasies about her and me. They were not healthy. But again, I never really talked to her about this.
The last time I talked to her, this may have been the only time after that experience, we were in a computer science class, and I asked her where she was going to college. She said that her parents were forcing her to stay local. I believe that she said it was RIT. I would go to another university but later graduate from the same one.
As I went to the university, I slowly descended into my mental illness. Dropped out. Lived with my parents. Kind of going nowhere, doing nothing life. I was seeing a psychologist, not really caring to take the drugs that were prescribed.
The Fall
On my brother’s graduation, I was there with my mother. There was a ceremony, many people. I saw a Caucasian young lady that was up to the stage, I think multiple times. She looked attractive.
Up until that time, there were many sexual fantasies, but I never did the real thing. It seemed now even more elusive, me being sick and mostly home bound.
So, I decided that night that I would try to have sex from long distance, with that young lady. Thinking of her during the night, I think I succeeded. But it was not what I expected. There was a fall, I felt myself falling and falling. This was scaring me. Then it stopped and I gave up what I was doing.
Something happened there that night. Was it really her that I reached or was it someone else? Tolstoy said of his first sexual experience, that there was a fall.
Tactile Hallucinations
I think the fall led to the beginning of tactile hallucinations. The word hallucination seems to imply that it is in your mind. I think it is real and not just in my mind. Sometime later, I would feel I was being touched. I believed that I was in a female body, and she was touching herself. For a few times it was okay, but then I hated it. I wanted this stopped. I didn’t know how.
This led me to self-harm. As described in my bio, I felt the problem was my testicles. I decide to puncture them a few times with a needle. I was able to succeed after almost giving up.
Something really changed that night. Now there were hands that were touching the female inside of me. I wanted this accelerated, but it would be some time until this.
After this time, I felt that I really messed up by this self-harm. Who in the world does this? Did I make a big mistake?
Looking back, this was a big turning point. It would start a chain of events that would bring me out of the parents’ house, to a hospital, to a group home, to a janitor job, to a community college and so on. I am not sure the consequences of this today, but I still spend some time thinking where things started to go right in my life. It probably started with the long-distance fall – but the self-harm was a big part of it after that. Maybe it was like me improving myself through “hacking”. I don’t recommend this to anyone, but this is not unusual. Doctors sometimes insert needles into testicles to inject drugs.
Sometime later, I would experience these orgasms. The “workers” would cause them. I remember sitting in a parking lot waiting and the work was going on. I would agree and it would climb until the orgasm then later I would feel bad about it.
It seemed the next major turning point, is that I married these workers. After that it seemed the things started to normalize, and the guilt went away.
In the beginning they would be the ones creating the sexual experience. I remember the first time I was able to do it. In Texas, working after graduating from RIT, I was able to have sex as a male to a female worker. I felt like this was something that I never done and now I had. A milestone.
The Avatar
How is this done? Imagine like that I have an avatar, I believe that this is on another planet. I am in that body as a male (usually female). I can make movements to that body when laying on my bed. There are workers around this avatar. They position a female body, and I can have sex by moving myself. I have never been able to walk the avatar, just waist movements. So from the outside, you see me moving my body on my bed. But I can feel the male avatar sexual organs like they are my own. I can also feel the female’s body orgasms that I am having sex with somehow. This is unexpected, so somehow, I can feel both bodies to some degree.
I tried to continue this, but over time I was not able to hold the male position and was being transitioned to a female. With no other choice I would have sex as a female. I would get used to it over the years and became comfortable with it. Maybe once in a while I would be able to be the male, but it would be much later in time.
As I wrote in other parts of my blog, the next major milestone was that I became womanized (see an earlier post for a deeper explanation). This was through watching porn. It appears just looking at a female sexual organ is enough to do this – at least for me. This was a major milestone, the one that opened the door to the workers connecting me with actual woman – across distance.
I believe that I am able to “reach” a party just by looking at a photograph of a stranger or thinking about someone I know. Can that person feel me? I think so, but I never talked to anyone afterwards to ask. Can I be sure that I connected with the actual woman that I intend? I cannot be sure.
Connections from a Distance
I am not going to go over all my sex-from-a-distance stuff here. I will mention a few that I think are important.
Generally, I have had these sex-from-a-distance experiences with the workers. This has been this way probably for a decade. It is a good way to get rid of sexual urges. It helps.
The past year, starting from around March, was when I believe that I started connecting with real women. Sometime the connection happens without me initiating it and sometimes it is me initiating it. It is not always successful and when it is, I am not totally sure it was the person who I am thinking about. I believe it is the workers who fulfill this. Can I believe I am having sex with a woman and really is an alien worker? I guess I cannot rule it out. But the odds are that I am really reaching real women, because there are feelings that I started to have, that I believe are coming from humans.
The voices tell me things that await me in the future. They were telling me about times when I would have sex through porn. I think that time has arrived.
One time, as I was preparing to have sex with the workers, a voice kind of guided me to visit some porn. I believe that I am able to “connect” with humans just by viewing their pictures. I try to do this responsibly, not do it when I don’t have the need.
ABC Stream Live News Anchor
As I was watching news one day, which is unusual for me. I generally prefer to read the news not watch it. But the House Republicans were trying to elect a speaker, and this was pretty important, so I started to watch an ABC news live stream of the event.
There was a woman anchor running the stream, I don’t think she appears on TV, probably just the stream. As she was leading the questioning of reporters, I was following the conversation and the back-and-forth. From time to time, I kind of focused on her. There was something that I did not understand about her. She seemed mysterious. I was wondering how she operates on the inside. I would try to understand her and then give up and go on following the conversation. Then try this again as I became curious again.
This would reoccur from time to time. One time something unexpected happened. Out of nowhere I just saw and felt her essence come through the monitor into my room. I felt that there was a connection, like a tunnel, to my body part and through this tunnel her essence was coming through to me.
Wow, I thought, this is not what I want. No way. This is too high visibility. There was not much to be done to change this now. I tried to let it pass. Obviously, feeling her essence there came great understanding, but I got more than I wanted.
The rest is subjective, but I noticed a few changes about her after this. First, she went on talking like nothing ever happened. But her voice changed a little bit, not as sharp. I had an unmistakable feeling like she changed. The way she carried on the interview seemed different. Not long after that, I went to do something else and didn’t think much of it.
I didn’t do anything that day. The next day, maybe because I was triggered, I decided to just get this over with. I was going to have sex. It was morning and I wondered how this was going to affect her, since I expected that she was in the office at that time. God, I hoped she wasn’t on the air.
As I started this, there was a human on the other side. I can tell this; this wasn’t just an alien worker. Whoever it was, this was just not working out. I did something, I had never done before in this work, and I asked this human (I can’t be sure it was the anchor) to please cooperate with me. Surprisingly, she did, and I was able to complete this.
One thing that I have omitted, is that I believe I am also able to feel the woman’s orgasm. That is if you believe that I am reaching them.
I mentioned that I am not sure who was on the other side. I never felt the essence that I felt the day earlier. There was sexual energy, however.
Life went on and this was behind me.
The Parable
These voices continually tell me of snippets of what lies ahead. Some of those times, it was about some shocking sex event that awaits. I was shocked and upset about what they were telling me. So, I wanted to ask God why this this shocking event is going to happen.
So, one of the ways I do this, is asking God through the Bible. I think of a question and then randomly open the Bible and just let my finger point to a place on the page. Then I open my eyes and read where my finger is.
My finger was pointed to a story in the Old Testament. In this story, 1 Samuel 21, David is with his men, and he is on the run from Saul, the current King of Israel. Saul is hunting him down – he is doing all he can do to kill him. He knows that David has been anointed to be King by God and he is trying to prevent this.
David is hiding in deserts and forests, anywhere where he won’t be noticed. Obviously, he and his men need food.
He comes to a town and meets a Priest. This is risky, if anyone tells on him to Saul, Saul will come with his men to hunt him down.
He asks him if he has any food. The Priest tells him, no, the only food I have is showbread. This holy bread is only meant to be eaten by Priests not by regular people.
After some discussion, the Priest gives him the showbread.
Someone informs on him and Saul has all these priests killed.
What was God trying to tell me here? Desperate circumstances, call for desperate measures and while David did something unlawful, there is no record in the Bible that God condemned him for it.
LGBT
Back in May of 2020, I clicked on a news article about the previous pope Benedict. At the time, I believed that I was the “end-time villain” but had not told anyone about this. What I read greatly shocked me. He said that the powerful spirit of the Antichrist was behind the LGTB movement. What? I was doing this?
I was engaging in LGTB stuff, primarily being bisexual – but it was all with “the workers” not with humans. Could my behavior influence the world this significantly?
Today, I explain it as such, my spirit that is doing the influence is on the outside, I am on the inside in kind of a shell, but that is changing. Once I break out of this shell, the spirit’s work, I believe, will be more evident to me.
To be honest, up until I read that article, I did not classify myself as LGTB. I was against them I believe. They were not Christian I believed. But, greatly, with this article’s help, and slowly, over time, changed my belief. This is still a work in progress.
I noticed that some LGTB folks say they are trans, and they are gender fluid. I am the true version of that since I can change gender in matter of seconds. The form that is inside me, seems like it can shapeshift sexes or move between different avatars – I suspect it is the later. Sometimes without my will. When this happens, it feels like the transition is blurry and then it becomes clear.
As I write this, I feel a female’s sexual organ inside me. Generally, for some reason there are hands pressing and massaging this female organ. This happens all the time. They are doing something, sometimes it is apparent, but for most of my life this is mysterious. Sometimes they are creating sex and the energy that goes with it. I tell myself, though their work is not evident, they are untangling a giant mess inside.
Sometimes I feel, like I am being unlocked. In the extreme case – it feels like a there is a strong chain release and I feel free and air rushes into the void. I enter a state of peace. But it does not seem to last. I then move to the next chain, but the earlier is gone.
Last night, I took a break and laid down on my bed. What I experienced was them fixing my soul. The soul, or the gut, has a grievous wound, and somehow, they are now able to restore it with massages (they just reached it recently), it is not an all at once type of thing – God I long for that – it is just a little bit here and there, like many small incremental improvements, spread out over months.
Interdimensional Sex and Merkaba
What is the term to define what I am doing – this long-distance sex? I think I know, but I am not 100% sure since I have not talked with anyone who knows the following term to discuss it.
I read a few books by Drunvalo Melchizedek called The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life. There are two parts. In it he describes that there is a way to have sex – across distance and it has been used in previous civilizations on Earth. It is called interdimensional sex.
In the book, as I recall, he talks about several instances. One case that I recall, I believe he talked about, in a previous civilization, a group of people used interdimensional sex for self-growth. They were able to reach growth, where they were able to activate what is called a Merkaba. With this they were able to travel outside of the earth or into different dimensions.
A key detail is that they, with their Merkabas were able to survive a period where the earth went into a deep darkness or a void. Anyone on earth who did not have a Merkaba – did not die but they lost all development and memories and fell back to a very primitive state.
The group that had their Merkabas activated, barely survived this darkness, so they were able to keep their memories and development – they could not have done it without an energy field around them called the Merkaba.
The Couple and Thoth
The other case is, and I also believe it was in a previous civilization, is that a couple discovered how to have interdimensional sex between themselves. They used it in a certain way. I believe they were able to have a child through interdimensional sex and that through that child’s growth and birth they were able to understand immortality.
Okay, yes shocking, how could a woman conceive through interdimensional sex when there is no contact. I am not sure how she is able to conceive, but what I believe is that there is no DNA transfer. This must mean that the child can only be a female through this way. I suspect the woman’s egg just starts to split, without semen, and develops an embryo. This is just a best guess on my own.
Her husband developed immortality and traveled to other planets in the solar system. However, the mother wanted her child, called Thoth to have immortality too. To keep her company in the spiritual world, I believe. So, she initiated interdimensional sex with him – again no contact and over distance I believe – and she conceived. Through the baby’s birth he was able to gain immortality. They both remained in the spiritual world together for thousands of years until the next major event for them.
Thoth became a big character that pops up again and again throughout our history. He was able to survive but it was dangerous, every 24 hours he had to position himself, for hours, in a certain way to collect energy. If he did not do this, he would die.
Thoth runs into Melchizedek. Since he can travel between dimensions in his body, it seems as if he just appears out of thin air in what looks like a human form. Thoth really wants him to show how he does the Merkaba. He sees that with the Merkaba he can get energy much more easily. He makes a deal with him, that he will give him all his memories, of the Atlantean world that he came from, up until now and Melchizedek will show him how to create his personal Merkaba. So, some of the content of the book is Thoth’s memory and history. Melchizedek helps him get a Merkaba and he changes states and is saved from this limitation. He reappears in another book, to another author, in a new state – in a body of light.
My Merkaba
Regarding Merkaba, I once tried to generate it. The way to do it is you are supposed to be guided by a person who has been trained in it and he has to show you how to do it properly. Remember, Thoth in all his understanding wanted a person to instruct him how to do it. According to Melchizedek trying to follow the procedure just from text, you are very likely to make a mistake and do it wrong.
I tried to follow it from text. After a few moves, I was uncomfortable what was happening and I aborted it. This left me in an uncomfortable state. But I forgot about it.
Then sometime later, as I was sitting at work, I suddenly saw that there is a golden disk around me. It emanated energy from it like a perfume. I thought, well this is a very good antidepressant, it it can help me a lot. I am pretty sure it was a Merkaba.
Then later that day, for some reason, appeared a demon and he struck the Merkaba. It left and I started to feel pain but not too hard. Later the Merkaba disappeared and the pain went away.
What I believe, was that the workers fixed the abort by creating the Merkaba, but since it was not the time for it – it had to go away. I have not tried to bring it back and don’t intend to. At the time I was told that it is not good for me.
Summary
Okay, we went through a lot. My sex history, the workers working on me through interdimensional sex, Antichrist and LGBT, and Merkaba. Who is this person who went through this? How could you live a life like this? This is how it went.
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